So I have been neglecting this...and Im sorry..SO much has been going on I cant even think. lets see....School...Still a SENIOR! (woot!) SO ready to get my new career going.my gpa is 3.8, so Im hoping to hang on to it so I can graduate with honors...
Jacksonville is startingt to feel more like home..kind of. I get bored because I have no real friends here yet and thats out of my range. Im used to having friends to call and hang out with, but Im working on it, and hey Im damn lovable..:)
I have started seeing a counselor to deal with the remnants of my Josh issues. Its amazing what ONE abusive relationship can do and linger to affect you in the years to come. She says Im doing good though by admitting I have an issue. I should like myself more. Being called a fat cow over the years will do that to you I suppose though. She asked me to name 1 time where in the 4 years he said something nice to me. It broke my heart I couldnt name one thing. Not one thing. All I can see is the hurtful words...drunken him never coming home..telling people IM psycho for wondering where he is at 4am..finding him at another girls house at 3am..being told Im worthless..nothing...and not finding anyone who understood. I hope and pray that my child never has to go through what I did. I know you arent supposed to wish bad things on people but I wouldnt feel bad one iota if his life fell apart. thats what HE deserves. Me? I have worth. I deserve love. To be told Im loved. To feel loved. And I finally do. Truth be told, Id go through his horrible self again to get to Jim. HE is the one I trust. He is the one I whose arms I climb into when my day is bad. He is the one I want when I hurt. He is the one who says Im beautiful first in the morning and with no makeup on. He is the one who has breathed life back into me. He gave me my life back. Myself. I will never be able to show him enough thanks for taking me on and fixing those cracks that no one can see. He is amazing. And I love him more than my own self sometimes. <3 He may not believe in God but how else would we have found our way to one another through our twisted roads? SOMEONE had to have a hand in it. Someone.
On the adoption front...just waiting...I had an anxiety attack last night. Not a big one..just an OMG feeling with a bit of chest tightness..Jim was working so Ridge climbed up with me in the bed and I just petted him. Its amazing how much better a furry dog and wet nose kisses will make you feel. Its almost as if they take your sadness away and replace it with the unconditional love they have. So I drifted off to sleep and today was a better day. Its just a waiting game and Im not good at that. There is NOTHING I can do to make this process easier or faster. Its times like this I wish I lived closer to my family. I have too much free time here..But I live my life...go grocery shopping..dog parks...read..school..keep busy. But I hope and pray every day that my phone rings and I get that call I long for. Itll come. I just would love it to be tomorrow..LOL My parents are so excited its palpable. I was speaking to them tonight and daddy said "I dont care about a present for christmas just bring me that grandbaby'. Man this child has so much LOVE waiting on them! Talk about a lucky child. They will win the family lottery..so please. God, Buddha, Allah, whoever is listening...make this happen. My family is waiting. I have a full nursery I see everyday. We are waiting. We are ready. We deserve this. We want this. They will not only be wanted but loved. This is my prayer every day. I figure Ill annoy Him enough at some point...<3 Goodnight world
