Day 1..past the worst... ?

Still angry. I don't like this person I am when I'm upset. I'm a happy lady not mad. So not used to this . My lawyer feels bad for having to even give me the bad news so k made sure I told her I appreciated her. She is the middle man after all...I just don't understand though. This girl (21) has two ready not in her care. This new one was born addicted and went through withdrawals. Instead of going through with what she said she wanted now she suddenly wants to try to parent this one . So the courts and our twisted system will probably give her a year to get herself straight. So a year that child will be in foster..wondering why she doesn't have stability or a mom. This sucks on all counts . The system sucks . But as most thjngs, I didn't ask for this and I'm not the first or last to feel this way. So I see tomorrow as a brighter day and I'll move along . I repeat to myself that it'll happen/ be patient/ even when I want to scream. (And I do) but I can so this. I think..endometriosis? Check. Fibroids? Check. Cancer cells? Check. Surgery 5 times? Check. Gallbladder being bad? Check. Hysterectomy? Check. So I'm adding this to my little red wagon I've been given. Deep breaths and carrying on . I wish the very best for that fragile baby girl who deserves it all. Yet I can't help but loathe the woman who put her in that space, mistreated her, played with our emotions, yet still may get her. Shame on her . Shame. For me and any other couple who applied for her, we will all be ok. Somehow someway. That's all.

Some things...

So not the news I wanted. Birth mom didnt show up. Lawyer cant get her to call. So today...when that sweet baby girl is released...she will leave with DCF. The lawyer will stick with it a week to contact the birth mom. So instead of leaving to a loving home, she will go to a foster for at least a week. Bullshit. Im sorry but this birth mom needs to get her shit straight for ONE day. Just one to make sure her daughter has a better life. She deserves better. Even if she doesnt choose us. Just choose. Choose life. Not DCF. More unknown for this tiny girl youve already let be born addicted. So now I pray that she contacts the lawyer. Please. Im mad. So angry. And I hate that. Im sad. Ive run out of tears for the day. Im pissed. Im hurt. But Im trying to take a deep breath and keep going. So onward. *sigh*

A change is gone come...

Today could be life changing. After 5pm or first thing in the am I will know. How am I supposed to be patient? Xanax? Busy? I have been good all day. Here it is 4:41pm. Now my anxiety arises. I want good news. I need good news. I have been waiting for this. Please God let it happen today. I have said that same sentence all weekend..I have as much a chance as anyone else right..? I have no clue how many applied for this case..Im hoping none but me..which is a bit selfish. Im aware. But I have to be selfish about this. This cant be about anyone else but me and Jim. I have mountains of amazing people praying for me...I know if i dont get a happy ending today theyll say 'it wasnt time' 'God knows when'...and Ill get angry. Thats mean of me I suppose. But I cant help it. My mom is freaking as bad as me. So please. God. Jesus. Allah. Buddha. Karma. The tree in my front yard. I need this. Physically. Mentally. I cant imagine any other ending than a good one...I cant mentally ascertain that right now..so wait...and pray...and hope..please. 4:44pm...

Ahh heavy days

Some days are heavier than others and I hate that. Today has been one. One where time goes slow and the mind goes fast. The mind saying it'll never happen and the tears threaten but I go to yoga...try to center myself. Repeat..one more day..day after day...there'll be a time to cry later. Later when I haven't slept for days for a baby crying...later for when I first hold my son or daughter. Later I'll need those tears. So heavy day? You're almost over. And tomorrow is a new one. One more day. I can do it.