A little less talk...

So im trying this whole exercise thing. Its hard to do alone but online support is massive! lol there are So many inspirational girls (and boys!) out there! Its amazing. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit or form a new one. so today? Day 2....my body hurts. its a bit angry. im keeping track of what i eat and following a plan i found on PINTEREST! (yep, i ADORE me some pinterest) It gives you a different plan daily for Monday through Friday. Last nights menu? Walk/jog 20 minutes (my dog was all about this one) 20 lunges, 20 dead weights, 20 jumping jacks, 40 crunches (OUCH) and 40 reverse crunches (F that) I did it all except for the 40 reverse crunches. My legs gave out on #20..not bad for first time though I think. Then boxing on the Wii Fit for 20 minutes...yep. Im tired today. But you know what? Ive always been that girl. The tall girl with the ass. With the thighs. I picture myself without these things and I want to know what it looks like. I have huge boobs, i wonder how massive theyll look on a smaller frame ?:) Anyway, i digress...Ill try. Not to much pressure or using the 'D' word because i think that sets you up for failure. Slow and steady....I have no clue what i weigh. I refuse to even look until my pants fit differently. Im not morbidly obese or anything but im not happy  with myself, and to me thats the perfect reason to TRY. so wish me luck..


On a side note, anyone else super tired of hearing about politics?! BAH  humbug for reals! I say Id vote for anyone against the dude we have now then the Repubs pull out some Gingrich. I dont know which is worse. Obama sucks, Gingrich sucks, wheres a WOMAN?! thats what we need...;) Wed totally rule this place..:D anyway, i should be working...


Random Endo note of the day: National Endometriosis Month is MARCH! Hoping to have something going on around here...

ahh murderous thoughts at 7am..

So i wake up to a text from a friend of mine saying check the news! a Summerdale kennel has starved animals, like HUNDREDS. Now anyone who knows me, knows i love animals more than most human beings. Anyone who mistreats a defenseless animal deserves their ass handed to them. So i check the news and lo and behold...http://www2.wkrg.com/news/2012/jan/26/hundreds-dogs-and-cats-near-starvationdozens-dead-ar-3125248/
WHO DOES THIS?!?! seriously. those dogs had started eating EACH other to survive. Perhaps those owners need to be put in a cell with no food or water for two weeks. let THEM start eating each other. *sigh* it gets my blood pressure up. I adopted my oldest pup, Dixie from a kennel. She was sick but that wasnt the fault of the kennel she was in. She had been abused. Now shes spoiled rotton and loves me more than anything. Ridge was bought from a breeder, that furry kid has never known sadness..;)
anyway so im hoping tomorrow to go up there with dog food and blankets. I cant handle seeing the pictures of those skinny babies on tv. It just makes me angry. Very angry. I wish i could help them all. just hug them and let them know that not all humans are bad. Dont give up. 
I pray they all find good homes. homes that spoil them, and love them. If could take another one, id do so without hesitation. But i have a cat, 2 dogs, and Jim and I..thats more than enough right now. So if anyone reads this, pray for those babies. and if youre in the area, take them something. anything. 

Silver lining, party of one...

so got good news today..my test results are normal..wootwoot! No issues with the ol' intestines. take THAT endometriosis! *evil laugh* 
*sigh* perhaps this is the end of random issues and surgeries? maybe..have to wait and see..


This has been a hell of  a week. Truly. Jims car broke down, had to shell out a bit for that one but tis fixed now..yay..
Ive gotten all my info together to go back to college for degree number TWO! So very excited. Hoping to start in March on my Healthcare Management Degree. Itll take around 2 years i suppose so not bad, College grad at 22 and 32..go me go me! lol 
Im truly hoping to start on finding a surrogate next year *fingers crossed*  Im hoping and praying i can find a friend of 'compassionate surrogate' meaning they wont expect like a check for 20 Grand..eep. I did have a friend inform me last week she loves being preggo (she is now with her 3rd) but doesnt want any babies of her own after this one so for me to look her up next year..That.Would.Be.Amazing.  Its a very strange position to find yourself in. Its one most take for granted. Not I. So we will cross that bridge when we arrive I suppose..we have the ingredients, we just need an oven for a few months..lol
On that note, its storming, lightening, so i should end this rambling blog o' the day...
Life is good...

damn the big girl panties...

So this week ive had THREE..3..tres'.friends tell me they are preggers. guess what?!


I didnt.cry. I didnt. Perhaps I am jealous. Ok i admit it, the green monster is there, alive and well. but I didnt fall apart and have a pity party. *whew* Dana-1 Infertility-2548.okay so im losing currently but whose counting?
Im happy for them. They are ALL going to be fantastic mothers. So to the Jessicas, the Danielles, the Crissys, the Ryans, and whomever else is knocked up, i applaud you. Just be kind to your children and remember on your darkest mommy days, that some of us would gladly take those temper tantrums for you. 
Other than that, life is GREAT. My friend Wendy is planning her Nov wedding at the beach. Shes going to be a stunning bride. 
In June Ill be married a year. Its amazing how time flies. where does it go? Seems like i was just a little girl sneaking in the backyard to tinkle because i was FAR too busy with playing to be bothered to go INSIDE..pssh..
okay so boring post. blah blah. but you know what ? Im happy. Happier than Ive ever been. Yea im 30 years old and cant have kids. yes sometimes that breaks me. But i am strong. I am tough, and i WILL be ok. Within 2 years Ill be on the hunt for a surrogate and then, I will be a hell of a mother. Just you wait and see......

The Ins and Outs..and the No Fun...

Soooooooo..Monday, the 16th I had to have a colonoscopy. Yep. Those words you think will not leave your mouth at the tender age of 30. If i could describe in one word? Ew. 
I have to say i agree with the most people on the interwebz tho..the.prep.is.the.worst. Truly. Nothing to eat except broth..jello..water..juices..etc starting midnight Saturday night to surgery time on Monday. Starting at 3 pm i had to start drinking the nastiest thing ever at a rate of 10 oz every 10 minutes. Seriously?! I threw up 4 times..cried once...but i put on my big girl panties as they say and did it. I emptied my poor unhappy body by 7 pm..showered and proceeded to pass out on the shoulder of my handsome husband whod looked after me all day and cheered me on like my own personal cheerleader. Poor fella..married 7 months and already had to deal with me having a hysterectomy and now my bowels..really. I love this man. Anyway I digress...
So we get to the hospital at my appointed time..8am..and wait...and wait...
wait...wait...head hurts....wait...wait..tummy growls...wait..845...wait....have to smell the Subway next door baking cookies..*damn them* wait...905...915..im bout to throw up again...dear husband is informed that they are so very sorry but the Dr is running behind..*sigh* wait..Im having to wear my glasses as contacts arent 'allowed' in surgery ya know..so i feel ugly. unkempt.starved. I finally lay my head on Jim and close my eyes. I dont even have the energy to be a bitch. wait what was that?! did i dare hear it..."Mrs Graves..?" well butter  my butt and call me a biscuit as they say..I bounded right up..instant happiness...
IV..check...hospital gown with my booty hanging out..check...a million and one questions asked..check..
Go into freezing cold room..see random tubes on wall and think..oh God..i know where thats going but man if thats what i gotta get through to eat..lets do this!!
Nurse comes in and says hey im giving you your drugs today..and fade to black...
...
......
........
OUCH! wtf?! welcome back to the world eh?..ahh ok..im good im good..wait..whats that you say?!I have to....wait...I.Have.To.Pass.Gas.To.Leave?! in front of my husband and whomever the poor person is in the room on the other side of that curtain? Just F'ng fantastic...
*sigh*..lets do this...i think i can i think i can...
WhOoHoOo! i can leave...feed me feed me...my amazing awesome and sweet jim drops me off on the couch at home, hands me my pillow and blanket and goes and gets me some Ruby Tuesday..*YUM!* (have i said how much i adore this man!?) 
All in all, it wasnt so bad. the prep was horrific and when im 50 and need this again, there had better be an easier way...a pill maybe? But i feel better. I know i dont have colon cancer. An evil procedure? Maybe..yet a necessary one..

My Happy Story

So i promised a happy story. no time like Friday the 13th to write a happy story right?! 

so how me and my amazing husband of 7 little months came to be...

I moved to Gulf Shores, AL in 2007 to start over. I had just gotten out of a horrible, abusive relationship and life was bleak. Packed the UHaul..loaded my Dixie dog in the car, off we went. I found an apartment called SweetWater (beautiful place) and proceeded to job hunt. Hospital said it would be up to 3 months before my position in their lab would be opened sooooooooo what do you do? Go back to what you know. I started working as a waitress & bartender at the Giggling Grouper in Foley. Life carried on. One day (in March of 2008) while i was working, sitting in one of my bistro chairs near the bar was (and NO i am not exaggerating, you may ask anyone there that day..lol) the most amazingly hot man ive ever seen. Brown curls..beard..blue bandanna around his head..*whoa* I kid you not, the earth stopped for a tiny second. (note:this had NEVER happened before. EVER) I rannnnnnnnn into the kitchen, got my manager Chris, and said whoooooo is that?!? he said it was his boy Jim just moved back from Birmingham and needed a job. Um yea. HIRE HIM. Duh. So he was hired as the AM Prep Chef. I come in that weekend and he is elbow deep in a massive bowl of crab cakes (eww) I walked right up to him and said oh thank GOD we finally have a hot guy in the kitchen, Im Dana. :) *yes yes brave me!* we bumped elbows and i carried on. Hed come to the bar for a margarita when he got off sometimes. I talked to him all the time. Trying to get the nerve up to just ask the guy out. I thought he was out of my league though. I was a curvy southern girl who doesnt drink or smoke. He was a super hot singer/guitarist in a band, surfer, etc who by society standards shouldnt give me the time of day. And i told him that. Man was he mad..hahah he didnt talk to me for a week! eep.

any way..moving along..a couple months later, i finally asked him if hed like to have a drink sometime......

He said no. Yea i was crushed! So yea..sad  me. After talking about it with our manager and his friend Chris, i was informed it was because we worked together....damn. So i did what any girl who truly felt shed met 'the one' would do....I Quit. Right then. That day. You hear people say they meet 'the one' all the time. I hated those people. Now i believed it. I honestly just KNEW when i met him. However opposed he was to commitment at the time, i just knew he was it. 

So i quit. and waited. and prayed hed actually call. 2 weeks later......He Did. 

He wanted to know if i wanted to hang out? Go swimming? (my apt complex has a bomb pool!) so of course i said YES..again, DUH. He came over, we swam, we laughed, i flirted my hiney off...but i had to be at work at the hospital at 11pm (eww night shift) 

He did kiss me that night. Night.Made. :) I was like a giggly school girl. I couldnt believe Jim.Graves. was in my house! On my couch! Playing with my dog! and kissed ME! whoooooooooa!

we fell into a routine. with no clear title. he was there once every couple weeks. then once a week. then an entire weekend...i was so very happy. i fell hard and fast for him. We went to the beach...dinner..movies..friends...
In August of 2008 he helped me move to a house in Foley. Told me he was starting to fall for me. He started acting weird. Pulling away. Then....he broke up with me the end of September. I cried for days..really. Thank heaven for my girlfriends brandy Tuggle and Tiffany Holcombe. They rescued me.  

fast forward...3 or so weeks later...i ran into him again. he asked me to have a drink with him. I said yes. We had a drink...then a walk on the beach...and he kissed me again. Apparently falling in love with me had freaked him out and he ran...ran..ran..but he was going to try again. So together we were again..this time with titles. I had a boyfriend. He met my parents. I met his. In February of 2009 we went to a Trivium and Coheed and cambria concert and during a very loud and heavy drum hard rock concert he said 'hey i think i love you...i know i do...its just easier to say i think..' hahah happiness..

so again, fast forward..through beach trips, family dinners, movies, concerts, trips to Birmingham to meet his old friends..on August 25, 2010, he got his guitar out, sang me a song then dropped to one knee and asked me...ME...to marry him. The easiest yes ive ever said...

We were married at 6pm on June 18, 2011 in Orange Beach at the orange beach activity center. it was beautiful. It was perfect. And i, miss pessimist, became the happiest woman in the world. Life began again as Mrs James Edward Graves III....and i couldnt be happier. So thats that. All the crap i went through before him? totally worth it to get to him...

call AAA..looks like we had a breakdown...

So its been a few weeks...whew life has been busy! Not to mention no one really knows I even HAVE a blog. Sometimes i think Ill tell a friend then i think..well no..what if i write something here and they think im a big ol retard?! yea i know. shouldnt feel that way..so whats new whats new..
Christmas...amazing. my very FIRST married christmas..Life as Mrs Jim Graves is so very amazing. I love him more every day..:) my dear friend Wendy Johnson and her boyfriend (now mewly minted FIANCEE"!) came over for a weekend around Christmas and i couldnt have been happier. Wendy is one of those people who is just a ray of sunshine and lovliness. Shes awesome. I love her. If I could go back to last June, SHEd have definitely been in my bridal party. Alas, i cant go back and change anything. Its a moot point, I know. 
So I had a mini breakdown this week. So stupid. A girl who graduated with Jim from RN school got married three months after me and this week announced to us she was pregnant. On facebook. I died. Ive handled it well for another six months i guess it was time for a breakdown. Jim was at work. I read she was pregnant (along with the cutesy bean picture) and it broke my heart. I started snotting all over the place. *sigh* Ive dealt with preggo patients at work. Seen preggo people shopping. Rubbed adorable new born babies. For some reason this, this moment of someone i BARELY even know, broke me. Again. I texted Jim and told him Id fallen apart again. He said he was sorry and :(. pretty much all he could do from work. Bless him..:) So I did what any woman home alone, snotting everywhere, with 2 adorable stinky dogs does. I wrapped my arms around my Golden Retriever Ridge laid my head on his big ol soft head, wrapped the other hand around my Miniature Pinscher Dixie.....and i cried. And cried. And those furry children of mine didnt move. They took my sadness in and made me feel better. People say dogs are dumb. I beg to differ. At that moment, BOTH of those babies knew I was sad and in their own way they were making things better. Sometimes you just need a hug from a dog. It happens. So I took them outside. We played. We ran. We giggled at the insanity that is a 14 month old Golden Retriever 'puppy' (all 97 pounds) chasing a leaf. It was a beautiful moment and my sadness was forgotten. 
So heres to six more months of happiness before inevitably something punches me in the guts. Im happy for pregnant girls. But im jealous. Its ok. I get angry. Bitter. WHY?! WHY cant I be the one with the belly everyone loves? WHY cant I be the one who rubs her belly and smiles?! WHY cant I be a woman with the GLOW of pregnancy. I want to feel a tiny foot kicking me from the inside. I do. Hopefully itll get better as time goes on. My Dr says it will. 'it takes time'..blah blah blah. 
When i had my meltdown the other day, i said on my facebook...Im sad. Im having a moment. And you guessed it, more than 1 offered her kid/child/baby. Dont.You.Get.It.  I dont want YOURS damnit. I want MINE. and its irritating (though i nkow they have good intentions) for them to offer. 
blah.
I rant. But i feel better. Maybe I should try a happy story..hm. I dont have a period anymore? NEVER cramps again? No more passing clots like softballs? yea..it does have its wonderful sides, the endometriosis bastard. but in some moments all those things pale in comparison to one tiny cell...that one tiny chromosome..that one thing I cant do. My womanly body can no longer do what it was inevitably made for. And that saddens me.