Today's brighter

It an odd feeling to be so mad and sad and upset...then sleep all night...get up refreshed and feel BAD for being so upset now..bah. Crazy lady party of one please...lol so this am I'm good. Guessing I just needed to get it out last night. So today I feel EXCITED to go meet mr Bryson. I am. Truly. So yep. All is well this morning. :)

Here comes the rain again...

One of my best friends had her baby today. He is 8.4 pounds of gorgeous baby boy. But I'm scared I won't be able to see him tomorrow without being a cry baby. Bah. Yet again I'm so happy but a mess of sadness and anger. Jim doesn't get it. Not his fault, he's a dude. Just...sucks. Stupid I know..it'll pass. Always does.

Blah blah blah

So another of my good friends is having her baby boy today. Hopefully my brAin will let me go visit them and not be a baby about it. Bah. It gets old crying everytime someone you know has a baby..I'm goin to the damn hospital and seeing sweet Bryson. I will win.

Bright light in the distance..

This has been the worst week ever. And scary. Uncertain. Ridge ended up in the ER vet for three days on iv and meds. Finally he passed whatever was obstructing his intestines thankfully came loose and he pooped it out so no surgery needed. Thank.god. He's not home and resting happily <3 now the scary... Jim's surgery was canceled tues am since he woke up with a temp of 101. We treated at home with meds and water but Wednesday it was up to 102.7 and not breaking. So went to the urgent care where she listened to his chest said he had bronchitis and went home with a z pack and rest prescribed. Sooo Thursday he wakes up te bed is soaked he's hitting and shaking. Go see his surgeon who give him steroids and says to call in am . Friday morning temp was 102..clammy...and he couldn't focus and was talking nonsense. Like crazy stuff. Couldn't walk or breath okay. So call doc...says to get to ER stat ( I kept this together somehow without freaking) ER they do his oxygen and it was 77. TWO points from being put on a ventilator. So needles to say stuff started happening fast. X-ray and lab and cardiopulmonary consult..my young healthy husband has pneumonia in both his lungs. Scared.me.shitless. I've never seen him sick. His feet and hands were icy and white. They said he had oxygen deprivation that's why he was talking crazy. Thank god, Buddha, Allah, whoever it may be for making me take him in when I did as they said had i waited I'd probably have had to call 911 shortly. So it's Saturday now..we're supposed to be released Monday. He made me come home tonight to sleep bc I just laid there's last night watching him breathe. I come home every four hours to let pups out so yea in friggin exhausted BUT my Jim tidy has color in his cheeks...he's not heaving to breathe....he showered without having to take a break...and he laughed. I'm happy. It's gonna take a few weeks they said for him to get back to running like his old self but I think we are on our way and I'm okay with that . I'm just ready to have my whole family under one roof and healthy. Ridge wa gone 3 days now Jim is gone 4.. I'm tired . But so thankful. To god to doctors to nurses...even myself. Lets carry on..I've got this <3

When it rains.....

So what a week. A day. An hour. First, school. I currently have a 3.8 gpa and this makes me happy. I still miss my bestie, she's having a time of it in Melbourne and I hate I'm not there to help her. I talk t her daily though so I'm there as much as I can I guess. We are going to see thm for New Years so yay! That is great. I miss my Summer!
Onto the craptastic...1/ Jim is having surgery in the morning. His first surgery ever. My anxiety level sucks right now. I deal with anxiety anyway and seeing my husband go into surgery? Nt good. I just keep saying "I can do this I can d this" I mean, he did it for me more than once since I'm so surgery prone. So send prayers. Please. I love this man more than life itself and he is my soul mate. He's always strong for me but this surgery is painful and not fun. So here's to that....<3 be spending the night in the hospital tomorrow night...
Okay thing 2/ happy turkey day! Mine was wonderful at my in laws until my brother in law got there. He's just such a mean and unhappy person. He's an asshole to me for no reason and that pisses my husband and me off. Bt whatever. It's his loss. He will regret being such a dick to his family someday. Sooooo onward 3/ my Ridge, he woke us up this morning throwing up, lethargic, and just NOT himself. Refused to eat treats or chase a ball and just laid there. Really freaked me out. He's our two year old puppy and he most definitely was not well. S to the ER vet we went. Bloodwork showed his white count was through the roof so he has a massive infection, his temperature was 104', and his X-ray showed what they think is a blockage in his intestine just past his belly. So they are keeping my baby there overnight on iv fluids and antibiotics. :( breaks me heart to leave him. When he's sick he wants me and Jim and we had to leave him. Damn. The hope is the meds tonight will make it move whatever it is, and they'll redo the X-ray and Labwork int he morning. So fingers crossed. I need my baby well. If it doesn't move by the morning, they will have to go in and get it, which sucks. S well prayers to him also please. I'm exhausted. I'm mentally done. And I can't worry about anything else right now. Jim surgery, ridge sick. Ridge maybe having surgery, yep. I need a Xanax. So anyway, feel free to pray...send thoughts...a smile..anything, because my bravery is ebbing and my stress level is rising. I love my family and need us all healthy and together. <3

Sunshine...wind...and weddings...

So here is promised update :)
School/ just finished my third term yesterday..a average :) woohoo! Actually got a 92 on my 15 page final paper. Go me!
Florida move? Still in works. Planning to go visit the smiths in Melbourne for New Years so we can check it out and see what area we like. Hmm what else. Oh yes! A great friend from high school, who felt it was sacrilegious that I'd never been to a bama game physically gave me ( for free) two tickets to next weekend game!!! Eeeee!!!!! Happy happy! Roll friggin tide! This weekend I am a (get this) wedding coordinator for my girl Wendy's wedding! I am loving it. Everyone knows what a planning, OCD nut I am so I'm all over it. She's going to be gorgeous! He place is gorgeous! I can't wait to see her walk down the aisle! I'm so excited to see my friends be as happy as I am. Tis a good feeling. Side note: i am finally watching Precious and wow...disturbing.....anyway!! So happy the election is over! It makes people mean. And hateful. It's ugly. I was pullin for Romney. I'm a bit scared to be under Obama again. There are 800,000 jobs projected to be lost under his Obama care. I don't understand how any sane educated person would've voted for him again. He abandoned out ambassadors at Banghazi, tripled the deficit, unemployment is high, welfare is through the roof...yet he was elected again. Wtf America!? He has created. Nation of needy welfare recipients who are reliant on its government. And that should be r reversed. Scary times...high note? Only four years until he can't ever be president again! Woooosaaaa! Feeling much better since my gallbladder removal cept for not being able to eat things that are fried..greasy,,,cheese dip...yea. Those things are a big ol no no! For my rating friends please pray for my Jim...he's having his first surgery ever on the 28th and I'm a nervous wreck. (Coming from me whose had 7 surgeries...but it's not me) I love my husband more than life itself and I worry. Can't help it. He will be fine I know, but I'm used to me being the one in the bed. I now know how he has felt with me. That sucks. Anyway it is a painful painful surgery so prayers will be appreciated. <3 so I'm off..time to fold laundry..oh joy. Sorry so jumbled but typing this on my iPad doesn't help :) goodnight world...

neglected...

...little blog. I promise. A LONG ass update will come tonight. so yea. I know youre all on pins and needles eh? haha

Whininess..

My best friend left this am to move to south Florida..:( broke my heart. I will miss my Smiths <3 went by there yesterday afternoon to say goodbye and that was no fun when my girl kensley (4 yrs old) comes running out screaming MRS DANA!! And then starts crying bc she thinks she won't see you again..*sigh* we did show her how to FaceTime on her moms phone so when she gets sad she can call. We are scheduled to follow in march or there bouts. Just sucks when the one person you tell everything to and trusts moves. Bah. Okay moving on...I Will miss them just for a few months <3 then we too will e south Florida residents and the clan will be back! If you're a married couple you understand how hard it is to find a couple where you have a best friend AND your husband does too..lol ok back to family project day..replaced parts on the grill...stained a new bench...onward <3 oh and tiny FYI I am about to start my FOUrTH term of school :D awesome.sauce.

I'll love you for a thousand more...

Ahh one of those days. Those days where you feel like crying, but dont have time becasue frankly, you have too much to do. This.Is.That.Day. 1-had a WONDERFUL time seeing my girl Wendy and her fiancee Brandon. They are such positive, fun people to be around. i am SO excited for their wedding next month!!!! :D It is going to be such a fun time! We went to the Shrimp Festival and had a blast..ate BBQ nachos, shrimp, lotsa lemonade and spent some $$..the usual..lol its alot of fun though. On to the stressors..Im flailing around with this paper im trying to write (took a break to vent on here hoping it will help clear my head) Its a very personal paper, my instructor keeps adding to my thesis, so i am MADLY confused at this point. Madly. So Im just going to wing it and let it go...Also, when we returned home the other night a super skinny doggy was in our yard. Hes a cutie. His ribs were showing. UNacceptable! We fed him, watered him, and pulled out the Kennel. So tonight will be night THREE he has been here..trying to find him a foster. And as of today, I HAVE! Ridges dog trainer, Deneen, will get him, but not until Monday. *sigh* it is REALLY time consuming to take care of a dog who doesnt know you nor trust you at ALL. He likes us, he loves sleeping not outside..lol but hes happy and taken care of right now. Good karma points I suppose, but i dont havethe heart to leave him out or toss him out on his booty. Thats wrong. So another 2 nights and one day and he will be off. I know he will be taken care of, so THAT makes me know Im doing the right thing. Also, *drumroll* I feel guilty. My friend (and bridesmaid) Jennifer had her tiny little son the other day. He is amazingly beautiful. When she called and sent us a pic though, i was mad. like really MAD. I dont get it. I kinda do. I told Jim to just give me five minutes to hate her and id be ok. Im aware of how that sounds. I am. And i love Jenn. SHes going to be an amazing momma. But im allowed to be pissed. A few minutes later, i was fine. I call that progress. Really. To top all this hellacious week off, my laptop (that has all my Thirty One stuff AND school stuff on it) keeps going dead. Saying it has issues. Freezing. BLAH! So im a bit bitchy and emotional today. I cant afford to get attached to Ares (the pup!) which im good with since i know where hes going. My laptop=more $$..I have a baby shower to go to tomorrow morning in Mobile (and i ALWAYS get lost in Mobile). So there. That was my vent. Hopefully it unclogged my noggin enough to where I can form sentences for this paper due in 4 hours. Wish me luck....

Thats the pup Im fostering this weekend :)

Hello, Ive waited here for you..

Life is awesome. That is all...<3 I am super duper lucky girl..Today has been jam packed with yard work and school..so this is my mini entry just to say hellloooo and Life is good. Hope everyone elses is too..:D

IIIIIIIIIIII'm hooked on a feelinnnnn....

So Im halfway through my THIRD term of school as a junior college student (again) and this class im taking I have to write a FIFTEEN page paper on something Im passionate about. Easy. RIght? No way. I chose Infertility and Endometriosis obviously as Im a bit of an EXPERT at this point..but in writing it and reading all these articles it is SAD how many women are MISdiagnosed for an average of SEVEN years. I am astounded. Thinking back on myself, my first doctors appt for the 'death pain' was when I was 17..I was diagnosed with 'maybe' endo at 19...and full blown OMG kill me now stage IV endo at age 25 follwed by a hysterectomy at age 28. So my timeline was six years. Six years that could and should have been spent preserving my fertility. But bygones are bygones and there is nothing I can do about it now. One of the comments on a discussion board i wrote a couple weeks ago was something to the effect of 'well its been this many years, why is it such a strong issue still?' um..well..I can never be a mom. It gets old saying that and dear readers youre probably tired of hearing it, but I live with it everyday. Some days more than others, so suck it (today more probably because my awesome hard working amazing husband is at work for his EIGHT 12 hr shift and im tired of sleeping by myself damnit). This is the only place I can whine about it and feel ok about it so whine I will..Today has just been one of those days and writing this paper is (though probably good for the soul) very hurtful some days bringing all this to the surface. Alas..for four more weeks I will write this paper, I will get mad, then sad, then smile and carry one, because well..thats what I do. All women do. With me, its lack of child bearing, for some its they have sick children, dying grandmas, cheating husbands, abusive relationships (been there)..we all have our little red wagon as my grandpa would have said. Some are bigger than others, but we all have em. Mine sucks. But its mine. So I will pull it until I can replace it with a baby carriage. And I will. Someday. Not this year. Maybe not next year. But one year. I will hear that word that I want to hear. Three letters that many take for granted. But I wont. Ill appreciate mine more than most. And lord knows I have the BEST teacher in the world...my own mom. So Ill keep pulling my wagon. It was given to me after all. Whats it they say? You wont be given more than you can handle. I.Am.Super.Woman. And she needs her sleep. so im off..goodnight world..

Sorry for party rockin'...

Two days without pain meds...until today..meh. Dr cleared me to do what I felt like doing but me, in usual fashion, overdid. Laundry, dishes, bought groceries...by the time I got home with them I was pale and sweating...and my side was killing me. So bottle of water and Percocet later, I snuggled in the bed with my Jim and all was well in the world <3 I hate Jim's long weeks. He's working four nights in a row and it sucks. Sleeping without your husband is something I don't recommend. Don't get me wrong , I'm super thankful to have a hard working man but some nights are lonelier than others and tonight's that night so allow me to whine k? :) on other notes, Florida..summer and her husband are moving to Melbourne (bout 20 min away from Orlando) next month and Jim and I will follow in the next few months. Excitement! There are some gorgeous houses we've been looking at down there. Gorrrgeous!! So more to come on that. :D however right now I'm lonely and tired and don't feel good still so I'm going to snuggle up to my little Dixie dog and were going to sleep to the sound of a 100lb golden retriever snoring until Jim gets home..6 more hours.....sweet dreams...

It started with a whissspppperrrr...

Sooo I've been Mia for a couple days. I had my gallbladder taken out Thursday. Ouch. The surgery itself wasn't bad but they also repaired a hernia while they were in there and that Is super omg sore. Stitches in your abdomen are never good lol. So I've been in a Percocet haze since then. Ate solid food today for the first time, yay!! Grilled chicken and Mac n cheese has never been so good. :) the greatest thing ever? Having a nurse as a husband. He's taken such good care of me. Pain medicine has always kicked my ass so all I've done is sleep..get up and pee...sleep...haha Percocet gives me nightmares thoug. Apparently I keep jerking my self awake. Oh we'll. the soreness is slowly getting better, I got to shower today and take bandages off tomorrow. So carrying on :) glad it's over, thankful for the happy thoughts, and probably about to fall asleep again. The move to Florida is getting closer and closer I can feel excitement setting in! We were originally going to Vegas again for New Years but moving expenses are a beast soooo think we will just move with it and go to Disney world even more! THAT is exciting. Living 20 minutes from Disney?!? Um yea. Anyway I'm off, I feel myself sinking lol how everyone is having a fantastic day sorry I don't have an great inner thoughts to share ;)

We're gonna fly away from here....

So random, but everytime I watch the Blind Side, I bawl. lordy..I cant help it..ANYWAY! Four days until my gall bladder gets ganked out. I am uber excited about this prospect but nervous. Seven surgeries. At my age, thats alot. But alas, I will feel better afterwards I hope because right now it SUCKS so much. I feel like Im having a heart attack every day pretty much along with constant nausea. F that. As for school, its going good..Im a JUNIOR college student for the second time in my life. Its interesting. And fun. And hard as hell. I have to write a 15 page Research Paper on something that is dear to me. So yea. You guessed it. Infertility. Im realizing how hard its going to be to write about. My professor approved my thesis with this note: "Mrs Graves, you broke my heart. I read your thesis and cried. As many, I know not much of infertility but look forward to a better understanding through you". Yep. Now I feel pressure to write an amazing paper. LOL. The word itself hurts to write. And unless youve been here, you wont understand, but I hope and pray someone learns from my research paper. We shall see..its been weighing heavily on me lately as yet another friend came out of the 'Im pregnant' closet. *sigh* Youd think itd get easier. Whatever, just one of those days I guess.

MOVING ON! The planned move...we will soon (within 6ish months) be resident of FLORIDA! This makes me happy. I am so ready. A brand new start is ALWAYS healthy. Not that i have anything bad to leave here. I love the Gulf. All my baggage was left in Troy and surrounding areas..lol I will miss my beaches here but Florida beaches are good too.. And having my best friend as my neighbor still? definite plus. Summer has been my rock since my wedding day last year. Looking at homes on an island down there right now, which is SUPER exciting! and a pool is a MUST! :) so big house..pool..fenced yard..epic bathroom with massive tub? Cant be TOO hard to find..ha. Dread the move itself tho..we have soooooo much stuff! an suv, car, truck, boat, 2 dogs, and a house FULL!Totally worth it though..So we are excited..more to come on that. SPECIALLY after I graduate next year. Lets just say the starting salary for my degree is nothing to scoff at..LOL nothing truly new besides that...I need to hit the bed, but its so hard to sleep nights when Jim is working..:( I miss my hot husband...;) not a bad thing..ha So anyway..rambling nonsense..time to drink half a bottle of pepto and take a sleeping pill..oh the excitement...Goodnight moon...

I'm Just a Girl...

I'm not good at being mad. Never have been. Im just not an angry person. So it is horribly hard for me to tell someone i am mad or upset with them. Anyone have this issue? I had to tell an old friend how angry I was today and though it was hard it was the right thing to do. Holding anger in is not good for your health Im sure..lol...so, How was MY day?? hm. Today i almost deleted my blog. ALMOST. Every one I have given this blog address to has been told implicitly how personal it is and how rare I give it out. Everyone knows this. Well today it was given to people who are not my friends, who are negative, and this blog is NOT for negativity. So yea, after my personal blog (yes its on the 'internet and anything on the internet isnt private') yet my settings mean MY blog cant be searched for mind you so you MUST have the address, was outed today, I was angry. Hurt. Disappointed. I was left a VERY negative comment on a post from earlier, and I did rebuttal. As I should have. I thought about deleting it, but then I remembered how helpful this little spot is. How my friends send me encouraging messages when I need it. How I received an email from someone I have never met that is going through the same things I am. How I was told I was an inspiration for telling it like it is with infertility and life in general. So no. I will not delete this blog.I do not BASH people on here. I never say names of people who do me wrong, but this is MY blog. MY words, and I will NOT censor it to make anyone feel better. THAT, my friends, would be wrong. So anyone with negativity?? GTFO. I dont have time for you and your snarky comments. If you couldnt stand up and say anything to my face when the situation was happening, then perhaps you should stay the coward you are and not send mean little messages. Because it says EVERYTHING about who YOU are and not me. I am Me. I am Happy. Loved. Secure. Wanted. A Wife. A mom to 2 furry babies. A Junior in college working on here SECOND bachelors (TAKE THAT!).A Daughter. and i LOVE MY LIFE. I do. Not many can say they are married to the most amazing man ever, but hey. I AM.

I wake up every morning knowing i am blessed. And im sorry some people will never know that because they are bitter, or jealous, or simply just...mean. I am 31 years old. Yet wise beyond my years. I have outgrown people. Things. Places. THIS is how much I am loved:

So yes. I have a wonderful family and friends, Not many close girlfriends really. I admit it. But those I keep close Id walk on coals for. My friend Summer is my rock. She knows everything about me and loves me anyway..lol So yea... drawn out post yes, but I felt the need to put it out there. Im happy, and NO ONE (specially not some *scuse my bluntness* skank who doesnt know me) can affect that, so massive fail im afraid. :)

that is the only one whose opinion matters when shit hits the fan. thats Summer...<3 my bestie. Shes always on my side no matter what. No drama. No using. Just there always. No secrets between us. And i love her for it. So OK!. This was my day, how was yalls? :) My blog isnt going anywhere. Not neva as jim says...I am Getting my gallbladder ganked out next week so say a little prayer please. I am ready, tired of hurting....Also Looking at homes in Florida. Jacksonville or Melbourne here we come! How Exciting.Long as we are near the beach we will be ok..lol

Its a shame others try to steal your sparkle, but dont let them..<3. Hope everyone has a FANTABULOUS weekend..(jessica i KNOW you will, girl you are like the happiest person i KNOW!) lol

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...

Tomrrow is FINALLY our adoption yard sale. FINALLY. I am SO very eager to get my house back. its as if this STUFF has completely taken over my home and I need it gone..and I need the money...and just..my usual life back. those who know me are fully aware I am a bit...um...OCD...and I dont dig clutter, so these past few weeks are killing me. Sadly, Jim has to work tonight so He wont be home until 730-8ish..so you guessed it..I have to set up all this alone. *sigh* Ive organized it (somewhat) in my living room so it will be easier when i awake at FIVE am to get moving. Bleh. I hope and pray that it all sells and we make some $$ though. Truly I do. And not only because I want my house back..our Adoption Savings need to GROW! <3 so send happy thoughts oh readers.. My neighbor up the street is having hers same day for the same reason..we thought wed kill two birds with one stone by doing the damn thing ya know..shes a personal trainer and knows everyone so hers kinda puts mine to shame but whatever..lol her yard is ENCASED in stuff. NEW furniture..art..kitchen stuff..baby stuff..tables..etc..lol Im happy for her. Shes struggled so much also with miscarriage after miscarriage and they are on a much faster track to having a baby than we are so I wish them nothing but the best. Calling the surgeon Monday to schedule my get-this-evil-gallbladder-out-of-me procedure. kinda excited..sick of feeling sick... umm what else..OH! finished my SECOND semester! with a 3.6 thank you very much! I am honestly surprised at how well I am doing on this second degree thing. Bachelors #2 here i COME! Only because Ih ave such an amazing backbone and supporter in my husband who pushes me to the confidence I need..Again, as always, I am THE luckiest girl in the world. And i know it. So heres to a great sale tomorrow....a safe surgery soon..and general happiness all around. because the world needs all it can get..<3

It's independence day...

Today has been an ok day...:) I did some soul searching...some grocery shopping...bought a new Coach purse..AND the first game of the season for Alabama...yep..all good..<3 With the soul searching came the realization I have seemingly outgrown some people. Jim says I'm too nice...yea probably true...if I love you I'll go to th ends of the earth for you...there are people I have done things for that would amaze you...yet they forget that. Maybe it's human nature. I realize I spent half my college years making sure my friends didn't get drunk and kill themselves...bailed them out of jail for duis...called the cops when their boyfriends choked them...went to a bar at 2am in my Jammie's to physically carry people home..(more than once..many friends..).threw away drugs when they wanted to quit..missed final exams because a friend needed me because she had been dumped..stayed up,holding a friend until 5 then in class at 8 because his girlfriend dumped him..told boys that they were going to be a daddy...I've told lies for friends..to their moms..their boyfriends..girlfriends..I've pulled mean girls off my friends..pieced thrown phones together..washed vomit out of hair...picked up broken hearts..Broken glass...wiped tears at 3 in the morning..went searching around town for boy/girlfriends who never came ome..I've even told friends they were being cheated on..ima good person. I'd be my friend. But I realized today that Jim is right. I'm too nice. I never asked for ANYthing in return of all these things. I remember all these things...but they remember none. And that's unfortunate. Truly. So after said soul search, I see those who completely unappreciate me..see only one thing I haven't done and not the hundreds I have..those who change who they are depending on who they are surrounded by...yep. So I'm getting the scissors out. If you're not a positive influence and completely supportive or offer some sort of happiness to mylife, I'm done. Im31 years old..married..I've got bills..infertility issues..working on my second bachelors degree.car payment..boat payment..two beautiful furry mouths to feed.. I'm an adult. So children...childish..drama queens..snotty bitches..or anyone who brings anything less than happiness to my life? Peace out for I'm too old for high school bullshit. I think humans should soul search more often...may learn something about yourselves. This is my epiphany of today. Goodnight moon. :) oh and I thank God every single day for my amazing husband. I believe HE is what I was given for all the good I've done..for that, I'm a lucky girl..

Little moments like this...

Having a moment. One of those days where everyone pisses you off and you snap at people. So I'm sorry. Bless my husband for putting up with me on these days. *wooosaaaa* I'm sure I'm not the only one that has em so that helps :) shortest entry ever as I'm on my iPad and typing is no fun...hope tomorrow is a better day <3

Bridesmaids meets Mean Girls..

First off, nothing new on the adoption..Yard Sale is planned for September 8th :) Send happy thoughts our way on that please..PayPal is still up for our Adoption Fund- wilson_bama@yahoo.comMore to come on that ;)okay now onto this weekend..NOTE I come here to vent, not sugarcoat, so proceed accordingly...Drove up to be a bridesmaid this weekend for a dear friend...<3 Dresses were beautiful and flattering..Po Folks rehearsal was good...and seeing my Girl Jeana after these years was priceless..<3 The tides slowly turned though...That night I incidentally hurt the brides feelings..after the rehearsal dinner, went by her home, then went to check on my best friend (whose also ministering the wedding) who had been feeling unwell..well I got there and she felt better and as she NEVER has time away from her kids, she wanted a drink. So We went with her to get ONE drink then home to bed...No, i didnt see what the deal was but wedding stress can be hell, that i DEFINITELY get...so no hurt was intended...Im sorry it blew up into something that was not intended, but should I feel bad for having ONE drink before going home?? No way..wedding day dawned bright and beautiful. weather was PERFECT. However...*also note, J and I did not say one word to the bride about any of this on her wedding day as WE were trying to repectful, though we were made to be the bad guys in the following*My dear husband (in shorts and a tee) at 8am was in the lounge watching tv until cliff came and got him and was VERY rudely treated by the staff of ECC. Even after I complained to the manager, he still rolled his eyes at me and mumbled under his breath..so yea. To ECC I am so sorry that my jim was not aware of your RULE that to be in that room you had to have on a collar, but to make out like he wasnt good enough? I draw the line when you hurt my husbands feelings. He is one of THE most amazing men you will ever meet. carrying on...Everyone seemed very happy and excited...getting ready..but I must say, for J and I..we have NEVER seen 2 girls go SO far out of their way to make us feel UNwelcome and KNOW that we 'didnt belong there'. I still dont know what we 'did' to make these girls dislike us (yes we heard them)..they were talking bad about us AND the minister when we walked in the dressing room....how WE dont have the past THEY have with the bride..how we shouldnt even be there..I dont get it...then we were informed that they were filling the bride, MY FRIEND, full of very much untrue things. horrible girls. So the bride was sad at the beginning of her wedding day...and i apologize for nothing, because these girls put words in my mouth and that of my other friend. I never said a bad word about the dress...flowers..food..makeup..WHATEVER..even the brides mom (who is the sweetest ever) said she had heard us talking GOOD about the dresses and etc. The part that threw me over the edge though? (and M, if you read this, we didnt say anything to you ON your wedding day because we DIDNT want to upset you, no matter what they say) when it was lunchtime, there was supposed to be sandwiches brought in..well the Maid of Honor informed Jeana and I that lunch was NOT being brought in and we needed to just go eat lunch...so we did. On returning, lo and behold there were sandwiches and drinks there. Oh the sandwiches showed up I see, I said..what was my answer? she smirked at me...so Im sorry but to BLATANTLY go out of your way to make US feel unwelcome..we werent even good enough to eat lunch with? Im sorry but go fuck yourself. I have never felt so unwelcome, along with my friends and husband, in my life. Ever. This was supposed to be a fun, happy filled, weekend. And this has bothered me since as 1-these girls have never met us before 2-how petty can you be and 3-they went out of their way to make the bride think that WE were ruining her day. THAT is unacceptable. Grow Up. Take with a grain of salt as you will, but this is a true account of what happened. I will NEVER go to Enterprise Country Club again as will no one I know and can tell how horrible they treat their guests. To the bride..you were beautiful and we spoke only good things of you on your day. We wouldnt have been there had we not been. But I left high school behind, and I am sorry you were horribly misinformed on what should have been YOUR day. Believe what you will, but the last I will say about ANY of this is what those girls did was horrid and I hope karma is a bitch. I am a nice personad I will go to the END of the Earth for my friends..and will not be made to feel bad about something I didnt even do. So without all the drama, they were married and it was STUNNING. The food was great..the cake was epic. The end of the day was worth all the worry. For that, i was happy I was there to experience the love. They do so plainly love each other and i wish them NOTHING but happiness and love. We think the very world of her husband and their children and look forward to taking them boating...And THAT dear readers, is the truth. Now Ive vented, i feel better..<3 Im off to batten the hatches down for Hurrican Isaac..:)

Im 6 feet from the edge and Im falling....

It has been a tough day... I need a break..a vacation..something..Im done..and Im tired..and I dont sleep well..this isnt fun.

Gotta Promise Not to Stop When I say When..

Apparently I have been told people enjoy reading my blog..wow..I find this very inspiring really. my posts go down to a trickle when there is nothing to report, so for taht I am sorry,,, We have been collecting things for our impending Adoption Fund Yard Sale in September. The amount of things that people have donated astounds me. It warms my heart to see all of the care our friends have for us. Truly. Thank you All. I have organized what we have and am expecting more stuff soon. WHEW! Going to be a big ol yardsale hopefully! Our current mission is to get up the $950 needed to complete the homestudy, as without it there is not step we CAN take. I try to look at this how Jim says..he tells me to look at it like eating an elephant..has to be done one bite at the time.. hes right. I try my best to not think about all the immense and expensive steps we have to take to be parents. Its overwhelming if I do. Sometimes I cant help it though. Im human. It seems every day I see another person on facebook announcing their pregnancy...or newborn pics..or her belly..its hard. And i feel rather alone in it. People try to empathize, but they cant...so I feel alone. there i said it. I, Dana Graves, admits my weakness..*shhh* I hate to see pregnant women. I hate their posts. their pictures. Their quotes thanking God for 'their gift'. Wheres my gift? What did I do to piss God off? But yet Im happy for them..sometimes it doesnt make sense. Does it ever? I guess not. I pass time with my school, which is going good mind you. Im looking at a 3.8 GPA, which i NEVER couldve said while as TSU..lol.. I have started doing like Leanne Tuoy on the Blind Side..when she counts her steps of things..her beginning is always One Mississippi..and she was right. steps..everywhere..I hate this. I hate the person it makes me sometimes, but its me. This is my path I was given and surely Id have not been given it had I not been strong enough to handle it right? So onward we travel.. One Mississippi....

Somebody like youuuuuuu...

Shockingly at the moment, I have nothing new to report..*whew* I am planning a yard sale the first weekend in September to raise funds for the homestudy (Umm its $950 JUST for that) so ive asked my friends if they want to clean their closets out and they DO! I have quite a few people collecting items for us, so for that I am eternally grateful. <3 not really many donations coming in but hey EVERY penny helps so that too is appereciated. So right now we are just in the planning stages to get this ball rolling.. side note: Im getting my gallbladder taken out in a couple weeks..thats money Id rather have saved but um..yea constant nausea is no fun..eh. random: tired of hearing about CHIKFILA. Its always been a christian company people, get over yourselves and if you dont wanna eat there...heres an idea..:DONT..imagine that..lol anyway to each his own, but good lawd I love me some CFA chicken..nom nom.. and Im out..:D

Sittin on the Dock On the Bay....watching my cares wash away...

I have to say..I am amazed by the complete OUTPOURING of support and happy thoughts that we have receieved since revealing our infertility and adoption path. It makes me heart so warm to get the prayers, the messages, the simple smiles. We really didnt know what if any support we would get and wow. just. wow. My friends are amazing. Even their friends that I have never met. It goes toshow that there wonderful caring people in this world. Words dont even tell it. So for anyone wh has sent us happy thoughts, messages, those who have ordered off my thirty one page knowing all proceeds go towards our adoption fund, THANK YOU. From the very bottom of my heart. I have struggled with bitterness this week and today? today has made it better. Bless you all. and fyi, I cant remember if I posted it earlier, so here is the thirty one site also.. www.mythirtyone.com/danagraves1

PayPal Donate Link a friend set up for us!

my friends are amazing. This is a PayPal link for donations for our ADOPTION fund! <3 my cup runneth over..

Taking the path less travelled..

So, here we are. The decision has been made FOR us at this point. 

We have to adopt. Yep. Surrogacy is out...through no fault of ours, but its out, so here we go. We have met with a few agencies and heres what we know. We need $18,000. 

Yep.

Ridiculous isnt it? Then they wonder why more people dont adopt. Sure you can adopt a sickly or older child from foster care for nothing but for a newborn, one that comes out and comes straight to your arms? Eighteen Grand. *sigh*
So our first order of business is to get the home study done. That itself is $1500. I have a couple friends who are asking their churches for donations, which i find awesome. Amazing. Simply the best. That is above and beyond, because honestly, ever single penny is helpful. So yea, if any of you have any ideas for fundraising or etc let me know..Im lost...all over again...

I have started consulting for thirty-one to make extra money to save for the adoption. If anyone wants a party let me know. Its actually pretty freaking awesome stuff. And priced good. People can order from anywhere, you dont have to go to a party, as I have a WEBSITE! (Imagine that) ;) so if you know anyone who needs pretty things or christmas..kids..etc have a look..<3 If you order from my site, i get credit for it, and THAT helps the baby fund. 
www.mythirtyone.com/danagraves1

ok shameless plug over..

Im calling the DHR here in Baldwin county on Monday to see if we have any options with them....heres to hoping..again..

I dont think my faith has ever been shook this much. apparently infertiity will make you insane before its over. Lets hope not. 

off to do homework...happy thoughts...happy thoughts..

anyone got a money tree in their back yard?...ha!

Here we go again of our own....

So. Today has been the hardest. Today became the day I didn't think I could take anymore. This week started fantastic. I mean, my bloodwork came back good...we were told my One ovary was healthy and we wer cleared for surrogacy. We were ecstatic. Jim had to go in for his 'man work' yesterday as a formality... Then the phone rang this morning... My strapping, amazing, wonderful husbands semen analysis was not good. Like zero. I fell apart. The hits just keep coming. We had worried, gotten good news, gotten excited, now this. Welcome back, square one. Well played fate, well played... So again, Monday we go,back to the doctor. More bloodwork..urologist..hope and pray its a simple matter of a blockage. Hey that's easily fixable. Otherwise, we are out of options. Endof the road. And that... Scares the hell out of me... I can't remember the last time I cried like I have today. I asked Jim what we'd done to deserve this? Haven't we been through enough? I think so. Bad things happen to good people I guess. It's trying to make me bitter and I'm trying not to be. But it hurts. So much. And it's not fair. At all. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Goodnight.

ladee dadee dah...

tiny update!
Got the call. WE ARE CLEARED FOR SURROGACY!!! my eggs are HEALTHY!!! :D there are no words for the happiness i felt with that call..wow..jsut wow..
so we go in Tuesday to meet with the financial rep and see exactly what this will all cost..
so brand new worries..lol Im a lucky girl to haev the family and friends I do to help me through it though..<3 lucky me..
more to come!

Youd be like heaven to touch..

Today has been a good day.
there, i said it.
:D after NOT sleeping at all last night, we made our way to the office of Dr Koulianos...I was so scared my stomach had started hurting...
blood work drawn...(which we will know in about a week, so mre to come on that!) he drew 7 tubes..whew!
and the piece de resitance...when she did my ultrasound (transvaginal of course..ugh..think Id be used to them..) According to the Doctor, i need a MINIMUM of 4 follicles for IVF. The typical ovary makes 8. So shes staring at my screen and...*drumroll* FOURTEEN!!! 14 follicles!!1 10 more than needed! ohmygod..you dont even KNOW the abject happiness that came then. I felt as if a weight had lifted right off!
Im an overachiever, what can i say? :) 14. what agreat number for this day. I will sleep soundly tonight. The sleep of a woman who isnt worried at the moment.
yes, the labwork results could change everything, BUT the most important was that number. THAT was what kept me awake last night crying into my pillow.
so thanks for the thoughts..the prayers..everything. I FELT the happy thoughts being sent to me and that, dear friends, means teh world over.

my cup runneth over...<3

so now Im exhausted..heading to bed..(these 14 follicles needs their sleep!!)
more to come when i hear from the doc..

goodnight moon..

Pity party of one....

I'm struggling tonight. Tomorrow at 9am I go in for bloodwork and ultrasound. So this means this is the week. The one where I find out if I can have my own baby. If my eggs as viable. I'm terrified I truly want my own. I want to see what tiny person Jim and I make. Yes we will adopt if that's our path but tonight? Tonight I feel broken. Like I was made wrong. I'm not good enough. And it hurts. And Jim's at work. Crying onto my dogs shoulder helps though. I could call my wonderful friends..Summer...Natalie..Wendy..they'd be there, but I'm trying to work through it. I'm tired of the sympathy. I can do this. I have to. I want to be a mommy so bad. It's bad enough I'll never carry one... Please at least let e have my own.. Please. I hate this weakness. Time to suck it up buttercup...people have it worse than me out there after all.. Ahhhhhhhhhhh Ok. I need to go to bed. I've vented, I probably sound insane, so my bad... Goodnight. Tomorrws a new day <3

Raindrops fallin' on my head...

I know..Ive totally been NEGLECTING my little blog..so sorry..:(
on a high note, we JUST got back from vacationing in Orlando FL at Universal Studios for our *drumroll* FIRST ANNIVERSARY! it was GREAT. God, I love that man. Sappy sappy me, but I do thank heaven for him every day. I, my friends, and a lucky girl..
as for our IVF junk..we completed and faxed out basal temp log last night, so within the next 48 hours, he will be calling me to schedule bloodwork and an ultrasound. from THAT we will assuredly know, IF (the big scary IF) we will be able to have 'our' child. Im honestly trying not to stress about it but really...
how can I not?
My attempt at motherhood hinges on this stupid bloodwork. I need my FSH to be HIGH!! *sigh* come on follicles...you can do it...please do..
Anyway, I have to awake my slumbering husband (working night shift ya know) and cook dinner...there is so much more coming in the next few weeks..keep me in your thoughts dear readers..


oh and Im thinking of starting to sell Thirty One..I like to think my friends would purchase it..heck, I like it..and itd be a GREAT part time job for me while Im in school..hm,...more to come guys..hopefully GOOD more to come..<3 Im FINALLY going to know unequivically wether or not I can be a mom to my own child. Its bad enough I can not carry it myself but heres to hoping someone else can..*fingers crossed*

Sometimes you need an outlet..

lawd, it is too early to be all mad already..lol I actually have quite a wonderful day ahead...going Snapper fishing for the FIRST time! :D yay! taking our boat out 15 miles..whew!! anyway, so on to the irritant of the am...
I log in facebook and a friend of mine always poses these great questions for people to chime in on..the question of the day was 'would you ever donate an egg to someone so they could have a baby'..first response?? "Absolutely Not! Thatd be like giving my own baby away!'..

*sigh*

lets hear it for the mis informed. its not a fertilized egg. its like giving dna to someone so they can have a baby since they obviously cant. REALLY. This just really bothers me. After dealing with this so far, the not being able to have your own  kids, i have heard it all. and THIS. Is.Selfishness. very much so. say you woldnt feel comfortable with it. its not for you. THAT is okay, really. But to say Absolutely not, no way, its my kid?! that is selfish. And its not the first time I have heard it. I guarantee she has never been faced with a best friend of family member who can not carry their own and has to rely on others. Its not easy to say hey Im a woman, but I cant do what we are made to do, so I need help. That  is a hard hard sentence to say. I dont know why it set me off the way it did, but I think it was just the way it was said. You dont have to help others in this life, but at least have couth when saying what you think. Its completely understandable that not everyone will be ok with donating things or helping others physically..It.Is.Ok. but have a heart when replying...dont say absolutely not...like there is no way in hell..she may as well said EW. *sigh* 
end of rant. Im sure she is a sweet girl, and this isnt personal to her, just people like that. lesson of the day..

put yourself in others shoes and think before you speak..

wow, i feel better..the fire is simmering now..lol

hope everyone has a greeeeeeeeeat day...

ahh sleeping 12 hours...

I had a friend of mine Thursday pull me aside and with a worried voice, said she had to tell me something shed been worrying about. You guessed it, shes pregnant. but i AM SO HAPPY FOR HER!! She is a wonderful person and I hate that some of my friends feel ashamed to tell me these things. Yes it sucks. Yes Im jealous, but above all that? I am ecstatic for you!
Granted, those people on facebook i barely know but have too much heart to delete, that post ultrasound pics every single day over and over...they, I would like to smack...lol 
This makes 7....seven people I can name that are pregnant right now..wow. According to Jim, something is in the water...;)  I just dont dwell on it. I just think ok we are on day 7 of the basal temp chart and carry on..we are heading in the direction. Im not even imagining what if my eggs are not good..what if that 55% isnt enough..NONE of that. Day 7 of basal temp. thats what day it is. Nothing else.
On a side note, I used to look so forward to weekends, but man is it hard to sleep without my husband here. eep! I love having the entire weeks with him and enjoying life but im a newlywed still ya know...and i hate sleeping alone, even for three days, so HELLOOO sleeping pills!..:) selfish me..lol but id rather snuggle with my hottie husband..right..?! <3 Life is good..im off to finangle up some lunch...

Set fire to the rain....

So so so...hmm whats up with me..well we took our new boat into the OPEN OCEAN for the first time yesterday! :) it was awesome! She did great. The SS Everlong is a great boat. <3 we stayed out there all day, island hopping, swimming, fishing...Life is good..

As for my usual reparte', nothing new to report. We are 5 days into the 31 day Basal Temp readings every morning. So odd to have you all along on this journey...If anyone goes through this and hits on my page though, and it helps them? Im happy. So 26 more days of temperature readings, then intensive blood work, then we will know if I, Dana Graves, can have my own little bambino (via surrogate of course). So Ill update as my story goes. Im trying this whole one day at a time aspect..or rather one step at the time. It still sucks. but you know thats when i tell myself that I have quite possibly the absolute greatest family, friend, and in law network EVER. Hell, my mother in law said she is going to ask her OB/GYN is SHE can carry her own grandchild. This woman is amazed. 

School is still good..3 weeks into my 8 week term and I currently have a 98 and 96 average..*pat on back* Im working very very hard to be succcessful and handle the self doubt of things I cant control that are going on with my personal life. big girl panties ON!!! :) 

random side, went to the doctor today for horrible indigestion Ive suddenly developed..(I, who has a tummy of IRON and never ever have had indigestion in 30 years) so yea. i have gallstones. asshole little things. so add that to my list, gotta plan within the next few weeks to get it ganked out..

tired of losing my body parts...:/

off to do essays..wooohooo...

Didnt sign up for this...

Im frustrated. Irritated. And angry. 
Good news first? I started college again last week to work on my second degree. currently I have a 98 and a 94 average in my classes. This makes me happy. Ecstatic even. :) 
We bought a boat. We love it. We live at the beach, so ya neeeeeeeed a boat right? its gorgeous...
so onto the crap mood...
we met with our IVF doctor today. Hes great. Bless this man who all day gives out good and bad news to us poor women. I cant imagine doing that. So after going over my medical records and multiple surgeries which converged into the dreaded hysterectomy last year, he says ok. This is the plan. First plan of action is we need to check your eggs and make sure your one ovary you have is still producing. Hes concerned as I have had so many surgeries and endometriosis issues, that my eggs wont be viable. This terrifies me. I almost lost it, right then. Jim squeezed my hand and kept me there. So for the next month, I have to take my temperature once i open my eyes. Dont get out of bed, Just take my temp before moving. Then next month, i have to have a bajillion blood tests. THEN we will know if ivf surrogacy is even an option. So the waiting game. if/once Im cleared, the work begins. I have to be on pills and FOUR injections a day to amp my eggs up, find a surrogate (please GOD, let me find a friend who loves me that much...please please...) implant her, then have a baby in nine months..hopefully (the actually % we have is 55%..scary yes...). If my eggs are viable we should be looking for a surrogate the end of this year. So keep me in your prayers, dear readers..(all six of you...) as we really need to find a surrogate whose a friend. A friend can file it on their insurance and we pay all co pays..deductibles..food craving..clothes..WHATEVER...but if we have to use a stranger, its like 50, 000 bucks. That takes away my dream of mommyhood. 
On the other side of the coin, if my eggs *sigh* arent viable, then we will look into adoption. Which is also ridiculously priced, then they wonder why more people dont do it. Oh, and the kicker is most adoption laws mandate you must be married a minimum of 2-3 years before youre eligible...but the crackhead down the street has kids evry year....its frustrating.
again.
and again.
and im tired of being frustrated by this grand old world.
I am finding it harder to get over it and think oh well this is just my little red wagon.
If onemore person says, oh go adopt (not that easy), God never gives you more than you can handle (can you handle my fist in your face?), or oh itll be ok (how do you know?) then im going postal.
Im dealing with this. VERY well, mind you. I have a wonderful husband, fantastic family, and great friends. This WILL be ok. i know it. Either way. but i will have days where i want to scream my lungs out, cry until i pass out, or have a stiff drink to combat the  sadness. Its normal, and i know this. 
but I just want to say...just once..ITS NOT FAIR. Its not. Never was. But here I am. Here we are. And i will get through this. We are heading into battle, dear soul...take cover...

so lets set this world on fire...

new things new things..

So i turned in my 2 week notice last week and next Friday will be my last day as an employee of LabCorp. Bittersweet really. I love my patients. Theyre mostly very kind, gentle, sweet people. Them I will miss. But I am starting on my second Bachelors degree on May 2..go me go me..:) Im excited. End of next year I should be graduating with my BS in Healthcare Administration. Moving on up that ladder..

Side note NOT known to public (ie FACEBOOK) yet..lol We are buying a boat. Its awesome. Its amazing. And it so damn fun. Weve been shopping for months to find the perfect one. Living at the beach, youd think this was easier than it is, but theres SO many to choose from!! We have the loan..we have the approval..we are taking it for a seatrial this Sunday and if it drives half as good as it looks, itll be ours on Sunday. EXCITED!!!! :D more to come..oh yea its a 21ft center console..has a T-Top..its aaaaaaawesome!

Also, we have made *finally* an appointment with an IVF/Reproductive Specialist. Big stuff ahead for me and my Jim obviously. Apparently, IVF will take anywhere from 10 months to 18 months to complete. So we are starting the process this summer. and i hope hope HOPE we have a little bun in someones oven by next summer. *fingers crossed* the hard part is finding a surrogate. We can pay one we dont know for like $30000 but seriously?! Im in the market for a compassionate surrogate as they call them...usually a friend or family member. we put them on our insurance..pay for clothes..food..cravings..etc. anyway..wish us luck..I cant wait to be a boat owning..SUV driving mommy...and i have two out of three..HA!

One day our generation is going to rule the population...

Soooo...Ive neglected my tiny home on the interwebz...alas, I return...with...news?


We (Jim and I) have an appointment May 8 at the Center for Reproductive Technology. This is great news! Our first step in having a mini Graves. Its terrifying. Its exciting. All these things. I have one little ovary in me. Thats it. Im hoping and praying its working like it should. Theyre going to give us all the details on what we need to do and where to start. Its very daunting, looking into surrogacy. Very. People take it for granted that they can do the nasty and get preggo. Doesnt work for all of us...the plus side to that though, is I have no worry of surprise pregnancies and can plan WHEN it happens..(oh and the never have another period again by at 29 isnt so shabby itself). So yea. They said the entire process will take up to 18 months. I have to find a surrogate...take hormones...blah blah blah..many many steps but im ready for this. I am So very ready to see my husband and I create this tiny human. Ours. Yes, technically itd be easier to adopt. Im aware of this. But i swear if one.more.person informs me 'why dont you just adopt, itd be soooooooo much easier?' Im going to go to jail. Eh. This is why we arent telling many people. pretty much just our parents and best friends. I do not need the added stress and NOSINESS of 'friends' advice. Yes you have a child. No, I do not need any advice. Your vagina works. Get it? 
bitter, party of one? sorry....I digress...
I have hope. Valid, shiny hope. I want Jim and I to have a baby. A healthy, brand new, shiny baby. And i cant wait. Being a mother is very important to me. So yea. Thats our update. May 8. 
I start college again for degree #2 on May 2
I start looking into babies May 8...
Me thinks May is going to be interesting...;)

Brighter than the sun....

oh neglected blog, i apologize...truly...
but theres nothing really new to report. Im still walking daily..eating better..my clothes fit looser...today is weigh day.*insert evil music* im still terrified of that number....but...its going down..not up. so yea. woot!


on a random note, my husband is still the sweetest amazing man i love. I swear i still look at him sometimes and wonder what thing i did in this world to deserve such a wonderful human being. He is simply beautiful. And smart. And sexy. And just..Jim. My Jim. I dont know how i was happy before i met him..<3
I start college again on May 2. Im excited. REALLY excited. Its weird to be a junior in college again. Degree #2 here i come! More money here i come! heheh Im nervous. I mean, i graduated in 2002. Its been 10 years since Ive studied. But if all goes well, i will graduate with my BS in Healthcare Admin in a year and 3 months. Go me Go me..
so yea. thats me. tiny update to the blogosphere. 
Life is good...

take me and we'll drift away...

i always get my titles from whatever song is on the radio in my office..lol silly..maybe but theyre SO many wonderful quotes in music! So whats new with me you ask?
My birthday is the 16th.i am really having trouble wrapping my head around 31....31..3...1...I mean, i feel like i was just a freshman in college. terrified of life. but thought i had it figured out. stay up until 3am..go to class at 8...work at 4..repeat...whew..man a lot has changed. i think of my mortality now.Im not invincible. Im terrified of getting old, for the record. To imagine myself and my amazing husband old and gray...not able to do for ourselves like we do now. It scares me. im positive im not alone in that. Doesnt matter if you believe in God, buddha, whatever it may be. Growing old and losing years is scary. Anyway I digress..
Still on my weight loss journey. Today is weigh day..im 9 pounds so far...ready to hit that double digit. My scrubs feel looser...imagination or actuality, its a good feeling. 
My awesometastic amazing super hot husband is taking me to Birmingham this weekend to see Wicked the Musical.  This excites me to no end. 1-ive always wanted to see it and 2- it means he pays attention. Ive been throwing subtle hints for MONTHS. ok so sending him emails about it may not be subtle but whatev..it worked..:)
On the hunt for my brother in law a good woman..any out there?? hes a good guy, hard worker, and hes super handsome..but he attracts crazy girls. i swear. This last one was uber jealous, lazy, and uneducated. She was using him. Thats not cool. Oh, and she hated me. H-A-T-E-D me. Why you ask? because while in Germany with the Army, he had a penpal. a female penpal who is an actual friend of mine named Mandi. Mind you, mandi is stunningly gorgeous..but shes also a mom to twin boys AND engaged to the love of her life. She came down last weekend and i asked if hed like to meet her little fam..girl flipped out. I mean nutso. Of course the only ammo she had against me is my weight. why do girls do that? 'oh if you ran as much as your mouth youd be skinny'..really? Thats the best she had..*sigh* It didnt hurt my feelings. I dont know her. I met her once. To hurt my feelings, i have to care. She then proceeded to block me from my brother in laws facebook..blah blah...I dont like drama. im too old for high school crap. So instead of bashing her head in which seemed like a good idea, i called Don, told him the situation, and with in 2hours she was gone and life went back to normal. All because i asked him to meet an old *engaged* friend..so yea. Kudos to him for taking up for me when she was calling me all sorts of terrible things..thank God, she is gone..
Anyway..Mandis getting married in Aug..Wendys getting married in November..I have 4 friends pregnant. This is a busy year.Both of those girls deserve all the happiness given to them. Mandi, because she, like me, has dated abusive men. felt unloved. and truly thought shed never be happy. and wendy..because she saved me. When i needed saving from my ex it was her i called. her who gave me the wings i needed to say 'Im done'. And im eternally thankful to both of them. True friends are hard as hell to find in this world and i found 2. Imagine that...<3 
Life is quite beautiful once you stop looking for the bad things and concentrate on good..


Im happy..and im going back to school next month..suck on that!

you know how the time flies..

ahh Adele. i love her voice. it makes me happy. even though she sings about not happy things..? ok maybe im wierd...
so whats up with me? I sound like a frog today, thank you sore throat! (Jim says sexy frog but whatever) silly boy...we had a wonderful Valentines day..:) After work, he gave me a valentines charm for my Pandora bracelet, lots of kisses, and took me to Shipps Harbour Grill in Perdido which is ahhhhhmazing. *yum* needless to say THOSE calories werent logged..woops..hehehe Our first married Valentines Day. I still adore him and he gives me butterflies. yep, im good..
Still on my weight loss journey. Today is weigh day so we will see, but so far im 5 pounds lighter..havent figured out where theyre coming from but hey...whatever..lol Im walking daily. Ive upped it to 1.5 miles. The dogs love it. (well Ridge the Golden Retriever does..my minPin Dixie? no way..her short little legs get tired ithink. but when we get home, she has this amazing accomplished smile on her little face..its adorable)
Its a rainy day at the beach. bleh. 
On a higher note...*drumroll* Im FINALLY going back to college for degree number two! :D something ive been wanting to do for years now. After a bit of debaucle with the university i first went to, my transcript in on its way to my new school. A Bachelors in Healthcare Administration is on my horizon. I can see it in the tiny distance. Im excited. A little terrified. All happy. Im proud. Go me Go me..good things to come
Next month is Endometriosis Awareness Month. Sadly this disease isnt spoken out on as breast cancer, child cancer, etc. Its sad. Ive ordered some pamphlets and hope to educate at least ONE person. No, endometriosis will not kill you. But it will make you darn sure feel like you are dying. Oh and then theres that whole take-away-your-ability-to-have-kids thing..yea. that bites. I digress, no bitterness allowed today. On this rainy day, i will be happy. I will appreciate all the good things in my life. 
Random note of the day: my soldier from AAUSS is coming home in 2 weeks! Yay Terry! If you dont know what that is, its Adopt a US Soldier.  (http://adoptaussoldier.org/) you can adopt a deployed soldier. become his penpal, send care packages, pretty much whatever you want. it is NOT A DATING SITE. Dont go on there thinking you can meet mr soldier prince charming. we are here to help them. Make time better. got it? ok..;) So i requested a happily married male or female soldier from Alabama and got a Navy guy from birmingham. Hes awesome. He is on his 3rd TOD and in two weeks hes returning. Ive even spoken to his wife. They have 3 kids and are a beautiful family. Ive sent him 3 care packages and countless emails. He thanks me, but I feel like hes doing so much more than Im doing for him. So anyway, its free to join, free to email. If you choose to send packages, they really dont cost much either. It makes me feel good. Our soldiers need what we can do for them after all. When he returns I may adopt a different one, who knows. Its good to do good in this crazy world and agree with the war or not, these guys and girls are over there putting life and limb on the line, so kudos to them all. 

random ramblings..

so i feel neglectful of said blog...
but life has been kind lately. happy. carefree. Its good..:)
lets see..update update...
I have currently lost *drumroll* 4 lbs! yes yes i know it may pale in comparison to those saying theyve lost like 100 lbs..BUT this is MY 4 lbs. My 4lbs not on this body anymore. My 4lbs that i worked hard to get off this body. Mine. So im proud. Im trying to use it as motivation to continue on. Im one week in. No sweet tea has actually been easier than i thought! weird! I now drink Unsweet tea..(man, my granddad would be rolling in his grave to hear that one) and i havent had fried food in a week. I walk my crazy ass pups daily and i do Wii games daily. Im trying to do it healthily. No fad diets. Just changes that make weight come off slow and steady. I had a friend the other day 'well im on the hcg diet and ive lst like 15 lbs this month!'..um yea..youre eating 500 cal a day and when you DO stop the hcg youre going to gain a WHOLE lotta weight back so by all means..keep truckin there grasshopper...anyway I digress. Life is going good. Im slowly and surely losing weight the HEALTHY way and im ok with that.
Im supposed to do a 5K this weekend but itll all depend on this massive blister ive gotten since ive been running. ouch. running on the beach will not be easy if my foot hurts. eeep. 


oh yea, Shameless plug: my husband and I have a ONE YEAR wedding anniversary coming up (insert awwwwww) and we are entered to win a cruise..or cash..hey id be happy with either..on litemix.com..go to cutest couples and put in your info (only have to do this once and tehy DO NOT spam your email..no worries) vote for number 33!! :) thats us..vote as often as you like..its until Next Tuesday, valentines day...share with your friends..help a girl out...


alright back to work i go. sorry for boring post but hey, no news is good news right? :) 

Love it or lose it...

<a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/1675/9073/16759073.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Free Weight Loss</a> Tools</small></p>

see that? thats MY weight loss ticker. Im down 4 lbs. Now that may not seem much to some, but to me? Thats inspiration. Thats another push. Thats another smile on my face. Thats ME getting to where i can LOVE myself.
Im a work in progress. (arent we all?) I have a husband that adores me and treats me like a princess. But i need to love myself even a quarter of what he does and life will be better. I dont hate myself. I look in the mirror honestly and think, well it could be worse.....but it could be better. So here i am. According to my WII at home, ive lost 4 pounds. 4. you want to know my sad little secret though? 


I have no idea how much i weigh.


im terrified of that number. Im scared to look. I go to the doctors office and say no no dont tell me. I get on the Wii, she asks if i want to know my current weight? um..negative. Why does it terrify me? ESPECIALLY since im doing something about it? I think im scared that its going to break my heart. Make me cry. Its worse than my fear of spiders. That number should not dictate my self. I talked to my Jim about it and his stand point? 'Thats stupid babe. you need to know your starting point so you can watch the numbers go down'. Point for Jim. he wins. he working today, so ya know what, hes right. I think it would make a HUGE difference in my self esteem if i KNEW what i was losing. So tonight when that Wii voice asks if i want to know? ill click yes. If i fall apart? Oh well. I will pick myself up and work THAT much harder to be who i want to be. Im 5'11..a healthy weight for me is 175. I wear a size 18. There. I said it. Im balanced. I have t say i am lucky in that respect. Weight evens out on me due to my height. I dont have a massive booty and tiny legs. a spare tire and tiny waist. Im even all over. So that much is good right? So go me. 
oh side note: next Saturday Im doing the Sweetheart 5K at the Hangout in Gulf Shores. If you live in the area you should too. Its charity and its good for ya. Who knows? May start me on a whole new path. Either way, Im doing it. Skinny people on tv? Those oh so wonderful Dr Peppers? and those girls wearing bikinis on the beach here? (yea i live at the beach, which is HORRIBLE for self esteem mind you..lol) you can SUCK IT! cause here i come..bitches...:)

A little less talk...

So im trying this whole exercise thing. Its hard to do alone but online support is massive! lol there are So many inspirational girls (and boys!) out there! Its amazing. They say it takes 21 days to break a habit or form a new one. so today? Day 2....my body hurts. its a bit angry. im keeping track of what i eat and following a plan i found on PINTEREST! (yep, i ADORE me some pinterest) It gives you a different plan daily for Monday through Friday. Last nights menu? Walk/jog 20 minutes (my dog was all about this one) 20 lunges, 20 dead weights, 20 jumping jacks, 40 crunches (OUCH) and 40 reverse crunches (F that) I did it all except for the 40 reverse crunches. My legs gave out on #20..not bad for first time though I think. Then boxing on the Wii Fit for 20 minutes...yep. Im tired today. But you know what? Ive always been that girl. The tall girl with the ass. With the thighs. I picture myself without these things and I want to know what it looks like. I have huge boobs, i wonder how massive theyll look on a smaller frame ?:) Anyway, i digress...Ill try. Not to much pressure or using the 'D' word because i think that sets you up for failure. Slow and steady....I have no clue what i weigh. I refuse to even look until my pants fit differently. Im not morbidly obese or anything but im not happy  with myself, and to me thats the perfect reason to TRY. so wish me luck..


On a side note, anyone else super tired of hearing about politics?! BAH  humbug for reals! I say Id vote for anyone against the dude we have now then the Repubs pull out some Gingrich. I dont know which is worse. Obama sucks, Gingrich sucks, wheres a WOMAN?! thats what we need...;) Wed totally rule this place..:D anyway, i should be working...


Random Endo note of the day: National Endometriosis Month is MARCH! Hoping to have something going on around here...

ahh murderous thoughts at 7am..

So i wake up to a text from a friend of mine saying check the news! a Summerdale kennel has starved animals, like HUNDREDS. Now anyone who knows me, knows i love animals more than most human beings. Anyone who mistreats a defenseless animal deserves their ass handed to them. So i check the news and lo and behold...http://www2.wkrg.com/news/2012/jan/26/hundreds-dogs-and-cats-near-starvationdozens-dead-ar-3125248/
WHO DOES THIS?!?! seriously. those dogs had started eating EACH other to survive. Perhaps those owners need to be put in a cell with no food or water for two weeks. let THEM start eating each other. *sigh* it gets my blood pressure up. I adopted my oldest pup, Dixie from a kennel. She was sick but that wasnt the fault of the kennel she was in. She had been abused. Now shes spoiled rotton and loves me more than anything. Ridge was bought from a breeder, that furry kid has never known sadness..;)
anyway so im hoping tomorrow to go up there with dog food and blankets. I cant handle seeing the pictures of those skinny babies on tv. It just makes me angry. Very angry. I wish i could help them all. just hug them and let them know that not all humans are bad. Dont give up. 
I pray they all find good homes. homes that spoil them, and love them. If could take another one, id do so without hesitation. But i have a cat, 2 dogs, and Jim and I..thats more than enough right now. So if anyone reads this, pray for those babies. and if youre in the area, take them something. anything. 

Silver lining, party of one...

so got good news today..my test results are normal..wootwoot! No issues with the ol' intestines. take THAT endometriosis! *evil laugh* 
*sigh* perhaps this is the end of random issues and surgeries? maybe..have to wait and see..


This has been a hell of  a week. Truly. Jims car broke down, had to shell out a bit for that one but tis fixed now..yay..
Ive gotten all my info together to go back to college for degree number TWO! So very excited. Hoping to start in March on my Healthcare Management Degree. Itll take around 2 years i suppose so not bad, College grad at 22 and 32..go me go me! lol 
Im truly hoping to start on finding a surrogate next year *fingers crossed*  Im hoping and praying i can find a friend of 'compassionate surrogate' meaning they wont expect like a check for 20 Grand..eep. I did have a friend inform me last week she loves being preggo (she is now with her 3rd) but doesnt want any babies of her own after this one so for me to look her up next year..That.Would.Be.Amazing.  Its a very strange position to find yourself in. Its one most take for granted. Not I. So we will cross that bridge when we arrive I suppose..we have the ingredients, we just need an oven for a few months..lol
On that note, its storming, lightening, so i should end this rambling blog o' the day...
Life is good...

damn the big girl panties...

So this week ive had THREE..3..tres'.friends tell me they are preggers. guess what?!


I didnt.cry. I didnt. Perhaps I am jealous. Ok i admit it, the green monster is there, alive and well. but I didnt fall apart and have a pity party. *whew* Dana-1 Infertility-2548.okay so im losing currently but whose counting?
Im happy for them. They are ALL going to be fantastic mothers. So to the Jessicas, the Danielles, the Crissys, the Ryans, and whomever else is knocked up, i applaud you. Just be kind to your children and remember on your darkest mommy days, that some of us would gladly take those temper tantrums for you. 
Other than that, life is GREAT. My friend Wendy is planning her Nov wedding at the beach. Shes going to be a stunning bride. 
In June Ill be married a year. Its amazing how time flies. where does it go? Seems like i was just a little girl sneaking in the backyard to tinkle because i was FAR too busy with playing to be bothered to go INSIDE..pssh..
okay so boring post. blah blah. but you know what ? Im happy. Happier than Ive ever been. Yea im 30 years old and cant have kids. yes sometimes that breaks me. But i am strong. I am tough, and i WILL be ok. Within 2 years Ill be on the hunt for a surrogate and then, I will be a hell of a mother. Just you wait and see......

The Ins and Outs..and the No Fun...

Soooooooo..Monday, the 16th I had to have a colonoscopy. Yep. Those words you think will not leave your mouth at the tender age of 30. If i could describe in one word? Ew. 
I have to say i agree with the most people on the interwebz tho..the.prep.is.the.worst. Truly. Nothing to eat except broth..jello..water..juices..etc starting midnight Saturday night to surgery time on Monday. Starting at 3 pm i had to start drinking the nastiest thing ever at a rate of 10 oz every 10 minutes. Seriously?! I threw up 4 times..cried once...but i put on my big girl panties as they say and did it. I emptied my poor unhappy body by 7 pm..showered and proceeded to pass out on the shoulder of my handsome husband whod looked after me all day and cheered me on like my own personal cheerleader. Poor fella..married 7 months and already had to deal with me having a hysterectomy and now my bowels..really. I love this man. Anyway I digress...
So we get to the hospital at my appointed time..8am..and wait...and wait...
wait...wait...head hurts....wait...wait..tummy growls...wait..845...wait....have to smell the Subway next door baking cookies..*damn them* wait...905...915..im bout to throw up again...dear husband is informed that they are so very sorry but the Dr is running behind..*sigh* wait..Im having to wear my glasses as contacts arent 'allowed' in surgery ya know..so i feel ugly. unkempt.starved. I finally lay my head on Jim and close my eyes. I dont even have the energy to be a bitch. wait what was that?! did i dare hear it..."Mrs Graves..?" well butter  my butt and call me a biscuit as they say..I bounded right up..instant happiness...
IV..check...hospital gown with my booty hanging out..check...a million and one questions asked..check..
Go into freezing cold room..see random tubes on wall and think..oh God..i know where thats going but man if thats what i gotta get through to eat..lets do this!!
Nurse comes in and says hey im giving you your drugs today..and fade to black...
...
......
........
OUCH! wtf?! welcome back to the world eh?..ahh ok..im good im good..wait..whats that you say?!I have to....wait...I.Have.To.Pass.Gas.To.Leave?! in front of my husband and whomever the poor person is in the room on the other side of that curtain? Just F'ng fantastic...
*sigh*..lets do this...i think i can i think i can...
WhOoHoOo! i can leave...feed me feed me...my amazing awesome and sweet jim drops me off on the couch at home, hands me my pillow and blanket and goes and gets me some Ruby Tuesday..*YUM!* (have i said how much i adore this man!?) 
All in all, it wasnt so bad. the prep was horrific and when im 50 and need this again, there had better be an easier way...a pill maybe? But i feel better. I know i dont have colon cancer. An evil procedure? Maybe..yet a necessary one..

My Happy Story

So i promised a happy story. no time like Friday the 13th to write a happy story right?! 

so how me and my amazing husband of 7 little months came to be...

I moved to Gulf Shores, AL in 2007 to start over. I had just gotten out of a horrible, abusive relationship and life was bleak. Packed the UHaul..loaded my Dixie dog in the car, off we went. I found an apartment called SweetWater (beautiful place) and proceeded to job hunt. Hospital said it would be up to 3 months before my position in their lab would be opened sooooooooo what do you do? Go back to what you know. I started working as a waitress & bartender at the Giggling Grouper in Foley. Life carried on. One day (in March of 2008) while i was working, sitting in one of my bistro chairs near the bar was (and NO i am not exaggerating, you may ask anyone there that day..lol) the most amazingly hot man ive ever seen. Brown curls..beard..blue bandanna around his head..*whoa* I kid you not, the earth stopped for a tiny second. (note:this had NEVER happened before. EVER) I rannnnnnnnn into the kitchen, got my manager Chris, and said whoooooo is that?!? he said it was his boy Jim just moved back from Birmingham and needed a job. Um yea. HIRE HIM. Duh. So he was hired as the AM Prep Chef. I come in that weekend and he is elbow deep in a massive bowl of crab cakes (eww) I walked right up to him and said oh thank GOD we finally have a hot guy in the kitchen, Im Dana. :) *yes yes brave me!* we bumped elbows and i carried on. Hed come to the bar for a margarita when he got off sometimes. I talked to him all the time. Trying to get the nerve up to just ask the guy out. I thought he was out of my league though. I was a curvy southern girl who doesnt drink or smoke. He was a super hot singer/guitarist in a band, surfer, etc who by society standards shouldnt give me the time of day. And i told him that. Man was he mad..hahah he didnt talk to me for a week! eep.

any way..moving along..a couple months later, i finally asked him if hed like to have a drink sometime......

He said no. Yea i was crushed! So yea..sad  me. After talking about it with our manager and his friend Chris, i was informed it was because we worked together....damn. So i did what any girl who truly felt shed met 'the one' would do....I Quit. Right then. That day. You hear people say they meet 'the one' all the time. I hated those people. Now i believed it. I honestly just KNEW when i met him. However opposed he was to commitment at the time, i just knew he was it. 

So i quit. and waited. and prayed hed actually call. 2 weeks later......He Did. 

He wanted to know if i wanted to hang out? Go swimming? (my apt complex has a bomb pool!) so of course i said YES..again, DUH. He came over, we swam, we laughed, i flirted my hiney off...but i had to be at work at the hospital at 11pm (eww night shift) 

He did kiss me that night. Night.Made. :) I was like a giggly school girl. I couldnt believe Jim.Graves. was in my house! On my couch! Playing with my dog! and kissed ME! whoooooooooa!

we fell into a routine. with no clear title. he was there once every couple weeks. then once a week. then an entire weekend...i was so very happy. i fell hard and fast for him. We went to the beach...dinner..movies..friends...
In August of 2008 he helped me move to a house in Foley. Told me he was starting to fall for me. He started acting weird. Pulling away. Then....he broke up with me the end of September. I cried for days..really. Thank heaven for my girlfriends brandy Tuggle and Tiffany Holcombe. They rescued me.  

fast forward...3 or so weeks later...i ran into him again. he asked me to have a drink with him. I said yes. We had a drink...then a walk on the beach...and he kissed me again. Apparently falling in love with me had freaked him out and he ran...ran..ran..but he was going to try again. So together we were again..this time with titles. I had a boyfriend. He met my parents. I met his. In February of 2009 we went to a Trivium and Coheed and cambria concert and during a very loud and heavy drum hard rock concert he said 'hey i think i love you...i know i do...its just easier to say i think..' hahah happiness..

so again, fast forward..through beach trips, family dinners, movies, concerts, trips to Birmingham to meet his old friends..on August 25, 2010, he got his guitar out, sang me a song then dropped to one knee and asked me...ME...to marry him. The easiest yes ive ever said...

We were married at 6pm on June 18, 2011 in Orange Beach at the orange beach activity center. it was beautiful. It was perfect. And i, miss pessimist, became the happiest woman in the world. Life began again as Mrs James Edward Graves III....and i couldnt be happier. So thats that. All the crap i went through before him? totally worth it to get to him...

call AAA..looks like we had a breakdown...

So its been a few weeks...whew life has been busy! Not to mention no one really knows I even HAVE a blog. Sometimes i think Ill tell a friend then i think..well no..what if i write something here and they think im a big ol retard?! yea i know. shouldnt feel that way..so whats new whats new..
Christmas...amazing. my very FIRST married christmas..Life as Mrs Jim Graves is so very amazing. I love him more every day..:) my dear friend Wendy Johnson and her boyfriend (now mewly minted FIANCEE"!) came over for a weekend around Christmas and i couldnt have been happier. Wendy is one of those people who is just a ray of sunshine and lovliness. Shes awesome. I love her. If I could go back to last June, SHEd have definitely been in my bridal party. Alas, i cant go back and change anything. Its a moot point, I know. 
So I had a mini breakdown this week. So stupid. A girl who graduated with Jim from RN school got married three months after me and this week announced to us she was pregnant. On facebook. I died. Ive handled it well for another six months i guess it was time for a breakdown. Jim was at work. I read she was pregnant (along with the cutesy bean picture) and it broke my heart. I started snotting all over the place. *sigh* Ive dealt with preggo patients at work. Seen preggo people shopping. Rubbed adorable new born babies. For some reason this, this moment of someone i BARELY even know, broke me. Again. I texted Jim and told him Id fallen apart again. He said he was sorry and :(. pretty much all he could do from work. Bless him..:) So I did what any woman home alone, snotting everywhere, with 2 adorable stinky dogs does. I wrapped my arms around my Golden Retriever Ridge laid my head on his big ol soft head, wrapped the other hand around my Miniature Pinscher Dixie.....and i cried. And cried. And those furry children of mine didnt move. They took my sadness in and made me feel better. People say dogs are dumb. I beg to differ. At that moment, BOTH of those babies knew I was sad and in their own way they were making things better. Sometimes you just need a hug from a dog. It happens. So I took them outside. We played. We ran. We giggled at the insanity that is a 14 month old Golden Retriever 'puppy' (all 97 pounds) chasing a leaf. It was a beautiful moment and my sadness was forgotten. 
So heres to six more months of happiness before inevitably something punches me in the guts. Im happy for pregnant girls. But im jealous. Its ok. I get angry. Bitter. WHY?! WHY cant I be the one with the belly everyone loves? WHY cant I be the one who rubs her belly and smiles?! WHY cant I be a woman with the GLOW of pregnancy. I want to feel a tiny foot kicking me from the inside. I do. Hopefully itll get better as time goes on. My Dr says it will. 'it takes time'..blah blah blah. 
When i had my meltdown the other day, i said on my facebook...Im sad. Im having a moment. And you guessed it, more than 1 offered her kid/child/baby. Dont.You.Get.It.  I dont want YOURS damnit. I want MINE. and its irritating (though i nkow they have good intentions) for them to offer. 
blah.
I rant. But i feel better. Maybe I should try a happy story..hm. I dont have a period anymore? NEVER cramps again? No more passing clots like softballs? yea..it does have its wonderful sides, the endometriosis bastard. but in some moments all those things pale in comparison to one tiny cell...that one tiny chromosome..that one thing I cant do. My womanly body can no longer do what it was inevitably made for. And that saddens me.