It's been a while

Once I went 'public' as they say with the adoption my poor blog went by the wayside...but as a fast little update here's  Lennon Jaymes Graves, 20.5 inches, 7 lbs 11oz and born July 16, 2014 at 729pm 

Tired.

Six weeks to go and I have been given a script for Xanax. I can't sleep. I'm trying not to 'stress eat'...everything this week is just a little over whelming. I just took some sleepy meds so hope in the morning I'my regular old self. ❤️ I wouldn't wish being this long jn an adoption on people lol though our birth mom is amazing this sucks. We matched in January so this seems like forever. Lennon looks great still. 17 inches ..4.11lbs so far...beautiful. But this momma needs to hold her baby. My arms ache. Looking for a brighter day tomorrow mentally ❤️

Anger is swift

Had my first all out pissed off fest. With a friend no less. Facebook status: OMG so happy too see our little princess in <10 weeks! ❤️....

Reply by friend: have you considered her changing her mind?. ..um I can't even. I tried to handle it nicely because man his wife is so adorably sweet and amazing. But then my best friend saw it and shit hit the fan. Sigh. Of course I've considered it. It's there. Since January 19 when we first heard of our birth mom. It's a fear. A mind numbing one. It stops me from breathing sometimes. I have worked so very hard to push it in to the way way back and concentrate on the good but that one sentence brought it to the forefront. Ruined my moment. Replaced my happiness with tears and worry. It's the equivalent of asking a pregnant woman 'so what you gonna do if your baby dies?'. Jim was pissed needless to say. I don't want him to be mad at an old friend , I also need to start being more honest with defending my feelings too though. Adoption isn't fun. It isn't some dream we all want as children. It's not a happy land where every day yiu are full of magical happiness and never worry. There's so much more we go through than just having sex and getting pregnant. A biological made mom can never 'get it' . Granted im thankful it's easy for most people, but it hurts. We waited months to tell anyone for this reason. I don't want judgement and negativity. I want and need support and happiness. I almost wished we'd still kept it a secret. Then I remember the happy notes and texts and calls and happy years for us. THAT is what I bank on. This baby girl is my daughter and I wil protect get until the end. I will not let her think her story started with anything negative. She is loved. She is so so loved. And she is ours. In about 9 weeks will be a day I have waited my life for. And it will be the best day ever. I know ignorance comes along with adoption. The comments are only going to get more frequent but I refuse to hide my happiness. I refuse to let anyone make me doubt. So onward we go. A day closer to princess graves ❤️

All in the open

So I know I've lapsed on this blog lately but the reason? We've told everyone! Woohoo! :) we announced the upcoming princesses arrival and everyone is super excited and happy for us. Lennon is weighing in at 2.10 and healthy as a horse so far :) get to see her again in 3 weeks and this mama can't wait. We are being given a baby shower next month. This is too much excitement. ❤️ I'll update more in death later but know right now all is well in our world and though 11 weeks and 2 days seems forever to wait I know it's really not...

Onward...

Time is a funny thing..a minute can seem like forever or not long enough. I have 14 exact weeks to go and it seems like forever. And ever. And ever. 

23 w 2 d

My life is in weeks a these days. It's odd. 16 weeks and 5 days to go. Doesn't seem like a long time does it? Feel like forever. Another ultrasound today. She weighs a whopping 1 pound and 6 ounces. In the 55 percentile so that's fantastic! She has a two cord placenta instead of a three so ultrSound every four weeks it is...the doc said she looks great though. Healthy heart was just a pumping...her little legs kicking so much...she's beautiful. So 16 weeks to go. A day closer...

Oh and introducing tiny miss Graves: 

Time time time

So apparently she's a papaya now? Lmao 16 weeks and 6 days to go...doesnt seem to go fast enough...! Ready to see her again Monday ❤️❤️

countdowns countdowns...

I swear when it rains it pours right..? Our birth mom called yesterday to tell us her roomate told her that she was leaving her husband and J has 2 weeks to get out. *sigh* This girl can not win. Soooooo I have been on the phone all day with our lawyer trying to find SOMEthing. I mean I cant allow the mother of my daughter and her 6 year old be HOMELESS. ugh. So I posted in a group on Facebook of women who have been affected by adoption, etc. One wrote me who is only 10 miles away and asked for all the details and wants to meet me and is thinking of opening her home to J and her daughter!!! I am praying hard for this. She needs a home, I need to find her one, and it has to be soon. So heres to hoping..J is a sweet girl. I just think she had no one to direct her...and I worry about her once we are out of the picture. I worry where she will end up. Where her 6 year old will end up. Shes such a sweet girl...so naive...she deserves so much better than she has and i am tryig to get her to understand her worth. I am trying to help her as much as she is going to affect me. I see how it is hard to let go of the birth mom...this person who is giving us life...but she is going to have to be able to stand on her own two feet and I hope she can. I pray she can. 
The Bio dad signed his consent..so in seventeen more (seems like forever but its going fast) weeks we will meet our girl. I want to touch her. I feel this NEED to have her in my arms. crazy? maybe. I feel such love for this tiny being who I have only seen on a screen. She has no clue that she is becoming the center of a very happy home. What a blessed girl she is going to be. Monday we get to see her again...:D I think we are going to have Adoption Announcement pics done in the next couple weeks and put it out there to the world..the internet may crash...hehehe We feel ready to tell but we want it to be a special way also. So we have some FABULOUS ideas for amazing pics to announce our girl! 
A nurse at Jim work asked today could she throw us a baby shower. I suddenly found it hard  not to cry. I dont know why...I guess I just thought I would never hear those words. A baby shower. For us. For our Princess LJG..wow. We did a registry at Babies R Us and that was SOOOOO fun!!!!! So 17 weeks to go...onward and upward right?..one day closer...

Ahhhh!!

18 weeks and 6 days to go. Baby graves is a whopping 10.5 inches according to my baby app..a banana!! :) she has a name! Ready decorating her room..yesterday we made a baby registry at BabiesR Us!!! So much FUN!!!! ❤️❤️ Anxiously awaiting the 31 so we can see her again!! 

Today was the greatest

Wow. Just wow. Today was the anatomy ultrasound. Taut little bugger was all over the place! The tech said a baby had never made her work so hard lol all looks well! Ten fingers ten toes...adorable little round head....moving and kicking a storm...oh and...

It's a GIRL! I started crying. There are no words. This voyage is half over. I can't wait for us to meet our daughter. Jim is in shock I think..just keeps saying 'I don't know what to do with a girl! What if she doesn't like fishing?!?' Little does he know she's gonna be his little girl. Happy happy happy. It's amazing to love this tiny person who doesn't even live inside of you. ❤️

Another day...

Had an amazing time at Disney world for the past five days...it's odd. Last vacation as non-parents. Eep. So baby Graves is 19 weeks and 4 days and the size of a Mango according to my handy app ❤️ Less than a week and we will know if we need to buy pink or blue! Already planning to take our then-five-month old to Disney for their Christmas spectacular :) onward and upward...

Gar

Things like this are what's wrong with others. Why is it so hard to build other women up? If a woman has an ass no matter what the size and she is confident enough to wear a bikini: get the fuck over your own insecurities and applaud her. Stop shaming over women people. Be proud that you see a woman with confidence . There. Had to get that out. Attached is the pic I saw on my fb feed thT brought it on. Bah. 

I knew I loved you before I met you...

Well today was the 6 week checkup i took her to...:D No ultrasound, that is March 4(GIRL! or BOY! Ill be happy either way) but today we heard the heartbeat. AW! I have never heard that..not for me...a strong 150 beats a minute...and it was WIGGLING all over! LOL she had to chase it down over and over to catch it...wow. just...wow. My baby has a strong heart beat. A healthy heart beat. I have no words.

Come a little closer...

So tomorrow is our first 'together' appt. 18 weeks! I hope Nd pray they do an ultrasound tomorrow. I want to know if it's a boy or a girl so bad!!!! Ahhh!!! ❤️❤️ I hope to have a fabulous update tomorrow!!

Awww

A sweet potato lol

Blah blah blahhh

Retainer paid and signed. I was given all their contact info today. T- 11 days until the docs appointment ❤️ Eek! 

Another week...

Apparent he or she is an avocado. Lol almost halfway there...

:)

Baby Graves is due July 22, 2014. We were chosen!!!!! Holy crap!!!! 15 weekS and I get to take her to her appointments. ❤️

Just breathe in and out

So. Met with our lawyer today. A birth mom has chosen us to meet Wednesday.  Ahh! And top it off? She only wants to meet us. If she likes us and we like her we'd be parents around July 22. Lord help me Wednesday cause I'm gonna be a nervous mess. One step closer to ok. Keep going. 

There she goes...again..

So a birth mom has chosen us as a potential. She wants to meet us. So next Wednesday we meet. I'm already a nervous wreck. Have to keep reminding myself I'm me and that's enough. I'm an AWESOME person and mom to be. Just be myself. And pray. And eat chocolate. Maybe some wine...:) kidding. It'll be ok. Whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen there's nothing I can do to change it. Woooosaaaaaa. Side note: February is exactly 9 months we've been 'pregnant on paper'....

And the walls kept tumbling down

Truck is getting a new motor this week...just now dropped off the adoption application for the new birth mom case...here we go again. I freaked, shook it off and we carry on. As my daddy said, I'm a wilson I can do anything. Damnit. ❤️ Thanks to the kind words Jessica. You're the only one besides my parents and Jim whose up to date. ;) she chooses next week so here we go! Woooosaaaaaa

Rain rain go away

I don't think I can do this anymore. 

Jim's truck broke down...costs so much to fix...looks like my nest egg is gone already. Got another potential situation today...twenty thousand dollars...I just can't. I don't know if my shoulders can carry more. Just can't. Today is a broken day.