Ok so random of the day (which I am VERY good at, me and my random thoughts..) I realized today as i searched for blogs/articles/ANYthing on What NOT to say to someone who has had a hysterectomy/cant have children and apparently it doesn't exist. How disheartening. I was having a down day and looking for inspiration but didn't find any. My friends walk on eggshells when telling me they're pregnant. Or what they did with their kids today. And the things people say when you tell them you, in fact, can not have kids. Oy.
I guess background would be good *ahem* I was diagnosed with Stage 2 endometriosis at age 20. (this was when they said oh yea if you want babies, now would be a good time..yea RIGHT) Stage 3 at age 25 and after 3 hysteroscopies, 4 laparoscopies, 2 D&C's, 7 types of birth control, and countless OB/GYN appts and tears at age 29 was told it was now Stage 4 and turning into cancer. Time to get it out. No choice. Thank God by my side i had my wonderful fiancee (now husband! more on that later) by my side to calm me on those bawling days when i couldn't cope. I sat him down and told him if he wanted to leave me for a 'whole' woman, Id let him go. I did. He simply looked at me like I was insane and said 'you're health and well being is more important. Having YOU is more important than having kids'. Reason 45158 i adore this man.
So anyway Hysterectomy was 05-10-2010. After all the turmoil of years past it was fairly simple. I went in at 9am. At lunch, I was missing what not only had been a thorn in my side for ten years but also what i thought was my woman hood.
Now, don't get me wrong. My doctor saved one ovary. He put a net on it to slow the growth of endo when (b/c there is no cure) it comes back. I am still allowed to have a surrogate someday. Hopefully. If my poor little tough guy one ovary does what i know it can. I realize I am luckier than some. Does that make it easy? Hell no. It sucks. Some days i struggle with seeing babies in the grocery store. Pregnant women can reduce me to tears. And pregnant friends? I love them. I am very happy for them. Yet once i get off the phone, i turn into a blubbering mess. I say its not fair. Id be a great mother. Yet crackhead down the street pops babies out every year AND doesn't take care of them.
*Frustration*
*deep breath*
Okay so when in doubt, do not..NOT say any of these things to a girl, a woman, any one, when they tell you/you find out they can not have babies.
1.Its just Not Meant to Be.
really? how do you know? So is this the universes way of saying 'wow! you'd be a horrible mom so yea...no kiddies for you!'
2. God has a Plan
again, REALLY?! I didn't realize you had Jesus on speed dial. This doesn't make us feel better at all.
3. Oh There's tons of kids who need homes, just adopt! (this is the ONE i get the most)
*sigh*
Until the absolute ability to have your own flesh and blood child is taken away from you, you wont understand this. Adoption IS great. But I want to know what my husbands and I genes can come up with. I want to see my expressions and eyes in the face of my child. and also, adoption is not easy. its not fast. Its not walmart. you don't show up and say oh hey i had a hysterectomy, can i have a baby please? um no. They filet your history, paperwork, checks, bank account, and THEN you wait. and wait.and wait.
4. Well you can borrow my kids ANYtime!
here's where i may just punch you in the face. seriously. I dont want your kids. I want mine. I want to bathe her/him, feed her/him, hear myself being called mommy.
5. Oh kids are overrated anyway! Enjoy your freedom and Money!
*eye roll* whatever.
6. Don't try to relate. Just don't. (i actually had this happen btw: "really?!? Girl! They had to take a fibroid off of my tubes one time and i thought i would DIE! DIE! I mean, what if they nicked something while they were in there?!?!) um yea...
I could go on and on but hey, i'm at work and i get irritated thinking about it. Know what you SHOULD DO? If someone comes to you and says hey i'm infertile. Or hey I am losing my child bearing abilities.
1. hugs are universal.
2. I'm sorry you're going through this.
3. If you need anything or if there's anything i can, call me.
4. I'm here for you *my personal favorite*
5.Don't walk on eggshells. we are not breakable. physically anyway. If you're pregnant, call us, tell us, we WILL be happy for YOU! Don't feel bad.Chances are, we love babies after all!
6. "Don't hesitate to call me on your bad days'. I've used this. Not all days are good. Most days, yes. SPECIALLY with endometriosis, you get just OVER it all. The pain. The bleeding. All of it. But knowing i have someone who will pick up the phone and just LISTEN? Its a priceless gift.
ok more later, but i must work...
