you know how the time flies..

ahh Adele. i love her voice. it makes me happy. even though she sings about not happy things..? ok maybe im wierd...
so whats up with me? I sound like a frog today, thank you sore throat! (Jim says sexy frog but whatever) silly boy...we had a wonderful Valentines day..:) After work, he gave me a valentines charm for my Pandora bracelet, lots of kisses, and took me to Shipps Harbour Grill in Perdido which is ahhhhhmazing. *yum* needless to say THOSE calories werent logged..woops..hehehe Our first married Valentines Day. I still adore him and he gives me butterflies. yep, im good..
Still on my weight loss journey. Today is weigh day so we will see, but so far im 5 pounds lighter..havent figured out where theyre coming from but hey...whatever..lol Im walking daily. Ive upped it to 1.5 miles. The dogs love it. (well Ridge the Golden Retriever does..my minPin Dixie? no way..her short little legs get tired ithink. but when we get home, she has this amazing accomplished smile on her little face..its adorable)
Its a rainy day at the beach. bleh. 
On a higher note...*drumroll* Im FINALLY going back to college for degree number two! :D something ive been wanting to do for years now. After a bit of debaucle with the university i first went to, my transcript in on its way to my new school. A Bachelors in Healthcare Administration is on my horizon. I can see it in the tiny distance. Im excited. A little terrified. All happy. Im proud. Go me Go me..good things to come
Next month is Endometriosis Awareness Month. Sadly this disease isnt spoken out on as breast cancer, child cancer, etc. Its sad. Ive ordered some pamphlets and hope to educate at least ONE person. No, endometriosis will not kill you. But it will make you darn sure feel like you are dying. Oh and then theres that whole take-away-your-ability-to-have-kids thing..yea. that bites. I digress, no bitterness allowed today. On this rainy day, i will be happy. I will appreciate all the good things in my life. 
Random note of the day: my soldier from AAUSS is coming home in 2 weeks! Yay Terry! If you dont know what that is, its Adopt a US Soldier.  (http://adoptaussoldier.org/) you can adopt a deployed soldier. become his penpal, send care packages, pretty much whatever you want. it is NOT A DATING SITE. Dont go on there thinking you can meet mr soldier prince charming. we are here to help them. Make time better. got it? ok..;) So i requested a happily married male or female soldier from Alabama and got a Navy guy from birmingham. Hes awesome. He is on his 3rd TOD and in two weeks hes returning. Ive even spoken to his wife. They have 3 kids and are a beautiful family. Ive sent him 3 care packages and countless emails. He thanks me, but I feel like hes doing so much more than Im doing for him. So anyway, its free to join, free to email. If you choose to send packages, they really dont cost much either. It makes me feel good. Our soldiers need what we can do for them after all. When he returns I may adopt a different one, who knows. Its good to do good in this crazy world and agree with the war or not, these guys and girls are over there putting life and limb on the line, so kudos to them all. 

call AAA..looks like we had a breakdown...

So its been a few weeks...whew life has been busy! Not to mention no one really knows I even HAVE a blog. Sometimes i think Ill tell a friend then i think..well no..what if i write something here and they think im a big ol retard?! yea i know. shouldnt feel that way..so whats new whats new..
Christmas...amazing. my very FIRST married christmas..Life as Mrs Jim Graves is so very amazing. I love him more every day..:) my dear friend Wendy Johnson and her boyfriend (now mewly minted FIANCEE"!) came over for a weekend around Christmas and i couldnt have been happier. Wendy is one of those people who is just a ray of sunshine and lovliness. Shes awesome. I love her. If I could go back to last June, SHEd have definitely been in my bridal party. Alas, i cant go back and change anything. Its a moot point, I know. 
So I had a mini breakdown this week. So stupid. A girl who graduated with Jim from RN school got married three months after me and this week announced to us she was pregnant. On facebook. I died. Ive handled it well for another six months i guess it was time for a breakdown. Jim was at work. I read she was pregnant (along with the cutesy bean picture) and it broke my heart. I started snotting all over the place. *sigh* Ive dealt with preggo patients at work. Seen preggo people shopping. Rubbed adorable new born babies. For some reason this, this moment of someone i BARELY even know, broke me. Again. I texted Jim and told him Id fallen apart again. He said he was sorry and :(. pretty much all he could do from work. Bless him..:) So I did what any woman home alone, snotting everywhere, with 2 adorable stinky dogs does. I wrapped my arms around my Golden Retriever Ridge laid my head on his big ol soft head, wrapped the other hand around my Miniature Pinscher Dixie.....and i cried. And cried. And those furry children of mine didnt move. They took my sadness in and made me feel better. People say dogs are dumb. I beg to differ. At that moment, BOTH of those babies knew I was sad and in their own way they were making things better. Sometimes you just need a hug from a dog. It happens. So I took them outside. We played. We ran. We giggled at the insanity that is a 14 month old Golden Retriever 'puppy' (all 97 pounds) chasing a leaf. It was a beautiful moment and my sadness was forgotten. 
So heres to six more months of happiness before inevitably something punches me in the guts. Im happy for pregnant girls. But im jealous. Its ok. I get angry. Bitter. WHY?! WHY cant I be the one with the belly everyone loves? WHY cant I be the one who rubs her belly and smiles?! WHY cant I be a woman with the GLOW of pregnancy. I want to feel a tiny foot kicking me from the inside. I do. Hopefully itll get better as time goes on. My Dr says it will. 'it takes time'..blah blah blah. 
When i had my meltdown the other day, i said on my facebook...Im sad. Im having a moment. And you guessed it, more than 1 offered her kid/child/baby. Dont.You.Get.It.  I dont want YOURS damnit. I want MINE. and its irritating (though i nkow they have good intentions) for them to offer. 
blah.
I rant. But i feel better. Maybe I should try a happy story..hm. I dont have a period anymore? NEVER cramps again? No more passing clots like softballs? yea..it does have its wonderful sides, the endometriosis bastard. but in some moments all those things pale in comparison to one tiny cell...that one tiny chromosome..that one thing I cant do. My womanly body can no longer do what it was inevitably made for. And that saddens me.

hm, first blog entry. Welcome to blogging, ME! :) 

Ok so random of the day (which I am VERY good at, me and my random thoughts..) I realized today as i searched for blogs/articles/ANYthing on What NOT to say to someone who has had a hysterectomy/cant have children and apparently it doesn't exist. How disheartening. I was having a down day and looking for inspiration but didn't find any. My friends walk on eggshells when telling me they're pregnant. Or what they did with their kids today. And the things people say when you tell them you, in fact, can not have kids. Oy. 

I guess background would be good *ahem* I was diagnosed with Stage 2 endometriosis at age 20. (this was when they said oh yea if you want babies, now would be a good time..yea RIGHT) Stage 3 at age 25 and after 3 hysteroscopies, 4 laparoscopies, 2 D&C's, 7 types of birth control, and countless OB/GYN appts and tears at age 29 was told it was now Stage 4 and turning into cancer. Time to get it out. No choice. Thank God by my side i had my wonderful fiancee (now husband! more on that later) by my side to calm me on those bawling days when i couldn't cope. I sat him down and told him if he wanted to leave me for a 'whole' woman, Id let him go. I did. He simply looked at me like I was insane and said 'you're health and well being is more important. Having YOU is more important than having kids'. Reason 45158 i adore this man. 

So anyway Hysterectomy was 05-10-2010. After all the turmoil of years past it was fairly simple. I went in at 9am. At lunch, I was missing what not only had been a thorn in my side for ten years but also what i thought was my woman hood. 

Now, don't get me wrong. My doctor saved one ovary. He put a net on it to slow the growth of endo when (b/c there is no cure) it comes back. I am still allowed to have a surrogate someday. Hopefully. If my poor little tough guy one ovary does what i know it can. I realize I am luckier than some. Does that make it easy? Hell no. It sucks. Some days i struggle with seeing babies in the grocery store. Pregnant women can reduce me to tears. And pregnant friends? I love them. I am very happy for them. Yet once i get off the phone, i turn into a blubbering mess. I say its not fair. Id be a great mother. Yet crackhead down the street pops babies out every year AND doesn't take care of them. 

*Frustration*

*deep breath*

Okay so when in doubt, do not..NOT say any of these things to a girl, a woman, any one, when they tell you/you find out they can not have babies. 

1.Its just Not Meant to Be.

really? how do you know? So is this the universes way of saying 'wow! you'd be a horrible mom so yea...no kiddies for you!'

2. God has a Plan

again, REALLY?! I didn't realize you had Jesus on speed dial. This doesn't make us feel better at all.

3. Oh There's tons of kids who need homes, just adopt! (this is the ONE i get the most)

*sigh* 

Until the absolute ability to have your own flesh and blood child is taken away from you, you wont understand this. Adoption IS great. But I want to know what my husbands and I genes can come up with. I want to see my expressions and eyes in the face of my child. and also, adoption is not easy. its not fast. Its not walmart. you don't show up and say oh hey i had a hysterectomy, can i have a baby please? um no. They filet your history, paperwork, checks, bank account, and THEN you wait. and wait.and wait. 

4. Well you can borrow my kids ANYtime!

here's where i may just punch you in the face. seriously. I dont want your kids. I want mine. I want to bathe her/him, feed her/him, hear myself being called mommy. 

5. Oh kids are overrated anyway! Enjoy your freedom and Money!

*eye roll* whatever.

6. Don't try to relate. Just don't. (i actually had this happen btw: "really?!? Girl! They had to take a fibroid off  of my tubes one time and i thought i would DIE! DIE! I mean, what if they nicked something while they were in there?!?!) um yea... 

I could go on and on but hey, i'm at work and i get irritated thinking about it. Know what you SHOULD DO? If someone comes to you and says hey i'm infertile. Or hey I am losing my child bearing abilities.

1. hugs are universal.

2. I'm sorry you're going through this. 

3. If you need anything or if there's anything i can, call me.

4. I'm here for you *my personal favorite*

5.Don't walk on eggshells. we are not breakable. physically anyway. If you're pregnant, call us, tell us, we WILL be happy for YOU! Don't feel bad.Chances are, we love babies after all!

6. "Don't hesitate to call me on your bad days'. I've used this. Not all days are good. Most days, yes. SPECIALLY with endometriosis, you get just OVER it all. The pain. The bleeding. All of it. But knowing i have someone who will pick up the phone and just LISTEN? Its a priceless gift. 

ok more later, but i must work...