Love it or lose it...

<a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/1675/9073/16759073.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Free Weight Loss</a> Tools</small></p>

see that? thats MY weight loss ticker. Im down 4 lbs. Now that may not seem much to some, but to me? Thats inspiration. Thats another push. Thats another smile on my face. Thats ME getting to where i can LOVE myself.
Im a work in progress. (arent we all?) I have a husband that adores me and treats me like a princess. But i need to love myself even a quarter of what he does and life will be better. I dont hate myself. I look in the mirror honestly and think, well it could be worse.....but it could be better. So here i am. According to my WII at home, ive lost 4 pounds. 4. you want to know my sad little secret though? 


I have no idea how much i weigh.


im terrified of that number. Im scared to look. I go to the doctors office and say no no dont tell me. I get on the Wii, she asks if i want to know my current weight? um..negative. Why does it terrify me? ESPECIALLY since im doing something about it? I think im scared that its going to break my heart. Make me cry. Its worse than my fear of spiders. That number should not dictate my self. I talked to my Jim about it and his stand point? 'Thats stupid babe. you need to know your starting point so you can watch the numbers go down'. Point for Jim. he wins. he working today, so ya know what, hes right. I think it would make a HUGE difference in my self esteem if i KNEW what i was losing. So tonight when that Wii voice asks if i want to know? ill click yes. If i fall apart? Oh well. I will pick myself up and work THAT much harder to be who i want to be. Im 5'11..a healthy weight for me is 175. I wear a size 18. There. I said it. Im balanced. I have t say i am lucky in that respect. Weight evens out on me due to my height. I dont have a massive booty and tiny legs. a spare tire and tiny waist. Im even all over. So that much is good right? So go me. 
oh side note: next Saturday Im doing the Sweetheart 5K at the Hangout in Gulf Shores. If you live in the area you should too. Its charity and its good for ya. Who knows? May start me on a whole new path. Either way, Im doing it. Skinny people on tv? Those oh so wonderful Dr Peppers? and those girls wearing bikinis on the beach here? (yea i live at the beach, which is HORRIBLE for self esteem mind you..lol) you can SUCK IT! cause here i come..bitches...:)