Content? Happy?

Oh, hey. I'm here..trying to get back....
I was thinking today..I was talking to a coworker and I said "well as long as youre content, right..?". Then i stopped. I thought about it.

No. Dont be 'content'. Be something. Be HAPPY. Maybe its on my mind because Im actively job searching for a career since I am ONE CLASS from having my Masters degree in my hands.
I don't want to be content. I want to enjoy life. Love life. Be present. Im 36 years old and if Im honest, I feel I have wasted so many beautiful breaths in my life. The should have...would have...could have...they haunt me. I always redirect, but they linger.

I should have stuck with nursing school..id been done in 2003... (but I may not have found my love of HR)

I should have left my ex the first time he put his hands on me....(but I wouldnt have learned how some people really are...and what to REALLY look for in love)

I should have went and visited my papa when I planned instead of waiting til the next day..the day he died (but would it have made a difference? no. My papa knew my sun rose and sat over his shoulders. He KNEW how much i love him.

I should have went back to school sooner..Id be done already..(but I'd be pigeonholed into a career others wanted FOR me...)

I should have not went back to above mentioned ex more than once..(but i completely adore my husband that much more now..i appreciate him so so much)

I should have gotten my nanny's homemade biscuit recipe from her before she passed..here I was thinking she would live forever. (but lets be real..no one can make them like her..and I wish she could have lived forever...)

I should have pushed my old Gyn harder to find out what was wrong with my uterus and ovaries instead of just throwing birth control at me..he could have found the cells earlier..maybe I could have kept my fertility..(but then I may not have my perfect and amazing princess, Lennon...)

^those things. those things can haunt. They can hurt. They can stress. But I can overcome. If I think about them too much, of course I cry. I feel pain. BUT I am trying to learn to not worry over things I CAN NOT CONTROL.

I couldnt control my exes actions.
I couldnt control my 20year old brain as a freshman in college who didnt see the future.
I couldnt control the grim reaper, as much as i begged and pleaded, my papa was gone too fast and sudden. Im still mad at God about that...
I couldnt help I wasnt in a financial place to go back to school sooner.
I couldnt control that grim reaper again when he took my nanny..when I saw her face hooked to a ventilator..I KNEW. I saw it coming. It didnt blindside me like papa..but it tore my soul apart nonetheless.
I couldnt have known at 16..17..18..19..that cancer and endometriosis were slowly trying to kill me. That they would take my ability to be a mom naturally.

I didnt know. I couldnt know. Neither can  you.

So off we go..yellowbrick roads..take content and shove it up your ass. I want happy, because happy...it just IS, there is no could have..should have would have...it just is.