So its been a few weeks...whew life has been busy! Not to mention no one really knows I even HAVE a blog. Sometimes i think Ill tell a friend then i think..well no..what if i write something here and they think im a big ol retard?! yea i know. shouldnt feel that way..so whats new whats new..
Christmas...amazing. my very FIRST married christmas..Life as Mrs Jim Graves is so very amazing. I love him more every day..:) my dear friend Wendy Johnson and her boyfriend (now mewly minted FIANCEE"!) came over for a weekend around Christmas and i couldnt have been happier. Wendy is one of those people who is just a ray of sunshine and lovliness. Shes awesome. I love her. If I could go back to last June, SHEd have definitely been in my bridal party. Alas, i cant go back and change anything. Its a moot point, I know.
So I had a mini breakdown this week. So stupid. A girl who graduated with Jim from RN school got married three months after me and this week announced to us she was pregnant. On facebook. I died. Ive handled it well for another six months i guess it was time for a breakdown. Jim was at work. I read she was pregnant (along with the cutesy bean picture) and it broke my heart. I started snotting all over the place. *sigh* Ive dealt with preggo patients at work. Seen preggo people shopping. Rubbed adorable new born babies. For some reason this, this moment of someone i BARELY even know, broke me. Again. I texted Jim and told him Id fallen apart again. He said he was sorry and :(. pretty much all he could do from work. Bless him..:) So I did what any woman home alone, snotting everywhere, with 2 adorable stinky dogs does. I wrapped my arms around my Golden Retriever Ridge laid my head on his big ol soft head, wrapped the other hand around my Miniature Pinscher Dixie.....and i cried. And cried. And those furry children of mine didnt move. They took my sadness in and made me feel better. People say dogs are dumb. I beg to differ. At that moment, BOTH of those babies knew I was sad and in their own way they were making things better. Sometimes you just need a hug from a dog. It happens. So I took them outside. We played. We ran. We giggled at the insanity that is a 14 month old Golden Retriever 'puppy' (all 97 pounds) chasing a leaf. It was a beautiful moment and my sadness was forgotten.
So heres to six more months of happiness before inevitably something punches me in the guts. Im happy for pregnant girls. But im jealous. Its ok. I get angry. Bitter. WHY?! WHY cant I be the one with the belly everyone loves? WHY cant I be the one who rubs her belly and smiles?! WHY cant I be a woman with the GLOW of pregnancy. I want to feel a tiny foot kicking me from the inside. I do. Hopefully itll get better as time goes on. My Dr says it will. 'it takes time'..blah blah blah.
When i had my meltdown the other day, i said on my facebook...Im sad. Im having a moment. And you guessed it, more than 1 offered her kid/child/baby. Dont.You.Get.It. I dont want YOURS damnit. I want MINE. and its irritating (though i nkow they have good intentions) for them to offer.
blah.
I rant. But i feel better. Maybe I should try a happy story..hm. I dont have a period anymore? NEVER cramps again? No more passing clots like softballs? yea..it does have its wonderful sides, the endometriosis bastard. but in some moments all those things pale in comparison to one tiny cell...that one tiny chromosome..that one thing I cant do. My womanly body can no longer do what it was inevitably made for. And that saddens me.
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